I AM FREEEEEEEEE FUCK THIS— Oh hey there. Did you just complete your finals too? Wow, what a semester. You know, I’m feeling pretty confident about the work I just did and I literally haven’t done classwork since March. I’ve just been having so much fun these past few months, and I don’t think it’ll ever be outdone. How about we have a little chat about the highlights of the semester? That’d be great… fuck where’s my drink?

Chapter 1: The Snow

Christ, I almost forgot about that! Do you remember how much fun we all got to have? That was one of the defining moments of my college life. Lollygagging around McKeldin like I was a kid again. Free of responsibility for just those few days longer. I loved it. I really think UMD did us a favor by being unable to clear any of the roads or sidewalks, and I don’t understand what every other university in the local area was doing. It’s okay though, because all of the faculty got extra time to plan their courses out!

Chapter 2: First Week of Class

I was really motivated walking into my first week of lectures. All of them began with the same cheery statement: “We have no idea how to fix this, the snow fucked us, and honestly we’re not doing anything to fix it.” I’d never felt so happy in the opening week. Everything ran smoothly, I was looking forward to a good semester flow. After that class, I saw a freshman hyperventilating in ESJ. I guess they thought something was gonna go wrong in their classes. Or maybe they got out of an engineering class? Wait actually can someone check in on that person?

Chapter 3: Love

I walked into Looney’s for the first time ever—don’t judge me, I was a CStone and Gurtle guy—on February 13th at 9:30PM. Having nearly blacked out the pregame, I totally missed the fact we were there when it struck midnight and Valentine’s Day began. Being now almost actually blacked out, I definitely missed any chance to shoot a shot with someone who was definitively the love of my life. Her name was Aman… Rebek. You know what, it doesn’t matter because life simply told me that she wasn’t the one. 

Now, three months and multiple situationships later, I can tell you that I really have found love: Looney’s Pub, College Park. She’s always there for me. AND I watched Looney’s chew up and spit out my less intelligent colleague as he tried to get everyone’s number. Get fucked, nerd.

Chapter 4: A true feeling of safety

Never have I felt the improvements to my personal safety—wait was that a phone peeping through the Bathroom door? Anyway, outstanding efforts by UMD faculty have been made around campus such as flock cameras and increased police presence have never made the environment feel as pleasant as it is now. President Pines and UMPD really do deserve a good bit more credit than they’ve gotten. Wait what is this text message about gunshots?

Chapter 5: The Purple Line is finished!

Guys, after so much time, Spring 2026 saw the purple line finally completed as passengers finally began taking those cool purple trains through campus. Seamlessly integrated with traffic, I never felt so much relief. I love South Campus, so maybe the construction would go away now. I’m looking forward to using the trains next semester. Wait, what do you mean it’s not done?

Chapter 6: Stress Management Techniques learned by many 

I was given a two part, eight letter acronym for how to manage stress this semester. Many know it, and I think you should learn it too!

Balance
Laughter
Awareness
Composure
Kindness

Organization
Understand
Teachability

If you can follow these generally, you’re on the road to many great days, and even better “studious nights”.

Chapter 7: We all worked so hard.

On average, the UMD student population made it to March 29th before they stopped reading their class assignments and just started making them up. I think that’s quite impressive, and one day I believe making it to April 1st will be a possibility. I personally got to about April 7th before I decided that I was just so smart and that finals would just happen when they happen. I’m sitting on two As and might get another, so how’s that for being an awesome academic?

Chapter 8: They graduated

They did it guys. The class of 2026 graduated—well possibly excluding that one Sports guy from The Hare but we didn’t need him right—and they did it in style. Years of stress and questioning whether they had it in them, it’s genuinely hard work. Hell, even communication majors figured out they occasionally had something to do, and they got through it. Needless to say, we’re all incredibly proud of y’all.

Oh, by the way, Commencement is getting rained out so you can’t go home yet. That’s ok with you, right?

The Epiologue of Greatness

Some called it the semester of doom and despair. But why the long faces? We have sun and the summer in front of us as we look back on this all time great year. And I, meanwhile, am free—to go back to Looney’s. I should call her.

Image Credits: Jordyn Cabellon