SHOEMAKER BUILDING — A Qualtrics survey sent out by the University of Maryland’s Division of Student Affairs has reported very concerning results about students’ mental health.

One student’s anonymous responses were posted online by psychology student Barry Unneth-Ikkel, who was expelled for disclosing confidential survey results. The anonymous student, whose identity was later revealed to be Emma Pyukh, noted that she “saw the same couple making out ten minutes ago in Van Munching” while walking around McKeldin Library. 

Puykh later proceeded to projectile vomit all over the library’s computer cart and crash into it out of shock and disgust. This ended up destroying about two dozen loaner MacBooks, horrifying library technicians who were transporting them to the Iribe Center.

Several students were also interviewed regarding this interesting phenomenon that researchers from the University of Maryland Institute of Applied Computer Sciences (UMIACS) referred to as “deja vu.”

“Why do I feel like I’ve seen this before? There’s a headline on the Diamondback’s website that says UMD students who commute are going to be expelled! NO! IT CAN’T BE!!! I need my high-quality, world-class, fearless Terrapin math education!!!” wailed freshman computer science major Aldrick Amparo. “I NEED to take six, maybe seven math classes; otherwise, I’m not learning as I should be!”

Conveniently, a therapist from the university’s Counseling Center came by to escort him to his seventy-fifth mandatory therapy session, where he learns to cope with his commuting predicament. Amparo was given special permission to have unlimited therapy sessions after not being allowed to live on campus.

One of our timidly-backwardHare reporters, Imani Dathira-Pisesh, has noted that some articles from The Hare have been republished more than twice. She blames the editors for releasing the same articles multiple times in a month on The Hare’s website. Dathira-Pisesh was last seen booking a therapy appointment with Dr. Kaulm Downe, a licensed adolescent psychologist.

In other news, President Pines has recently announced the construction of a new dining hall on North Campus. It is anticipated to be called “Yahentamitsi Dining Hall,” which means “a place to go to eat” in the language of the Piscataway people. Two new dormitories, Pyon-Chen Hall and Johnson-Whittle Hall, are also going to open near the Atlantic Building to make way for more student accommodations. The new dining hall and dorms are slated to open at the start of the next academic year.

Image Credits: Gale de Silva