JUST KIDDING, I LIVED BITCH

I EXPECTED PATRIOTIC IRISH MUSIC THE FUCK

White girl music continues.

Alright, so I think my buddy nearly started a fight in the bar. We are probably lucky to have not actually f*cking died. Anyway, Guinness is actual dogshit fuck the Irish. I am weak. I cannot drink more beer. Vodka is ok???

The alcohol starts hitting. 

ITS HITTING HARDER THAN—

I’ve decided in editing that this line didn’t need to be finished.

OH I PUT MY HANDS UP PLAUONG MY SONG THE BUTTEIES FLY AQAY ITS A PARTY IN THE HSA THISNIS MY SHIT OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THE SONG SAYS I LIVE FOR THE IRISH CAR BOMB

oh fuck where did I park am I gonna get towed? 

FUCK THE QUEEEEEN LONG LIVE IRELAND WAIT SHES DEAD??? WHEN???

I drank heavier and I’m the better person here. Heavier than who? Well you’re reading this article typed on my phone so I think I’m better than you, audience 

My counterpart, who doesn’t go to UMD, starts getting in his own head.

HES TRYING TO GET PHONE NUMBERS AGAN WYF IS THIS SHIR BRO JUST GOVE IP YOU DONT EVEB FO HERE. Watermelon refresher tastes like death but death is bliss. Buddy just said let Mme cook as he’s about to be rejected by everyone here it’s so fucking funny

He got rejected.

Celebration of some Catholic saint with alcohol I’m so for it 

I would say call 911 during this dance because I’m doing the drink white guy shuffle and that’s a crime but hey we all gotta do the white guy shuffle. Don’t drink water. Water is for people who think they have value. Drink more guinness 

How the fuck am I getting home and I gonna be a drunk homeless man in dc? The testudo traveler?

I think my car keys look better than any person in this bar. Bro they might make this the best night ever r. can I run the ai stop signs??? I just dropped the phone I am writing this on and I nearly walked away because what is 20 drinks between friends

It was not 20, but at this point we began to consider leaving.  

I love looneys. Looneys is what college park was mean to be. Orange crush? Hell yea. Irish car bomb? Hell ye. If looneys didn’t exist, I don’t think I would have a purpose. I love looneys like my past, present, and future love interests. Curiously all 3 of those are looneys, so I think looneys will be my toxic relationship until the end of time, I would die for looneys. Am I even spelling looneys right rn? Right rn. That means right right now. Double right? More like double wrong. I have one semester left of full time and then I can go part time. Why? Because fuck Daryl pines. Not literally. He’s not my type and anyone who does define him as such is a literally on the track to disaster. I’d rather fuck sandpaper personally. Why am I talking about Mr Pines? Yeah honestly I don’t know I just want to fill out this stupid ramble because it would look exceedingly funny in an article. None of this is genuine, but you’ve been duped into reading an improperly punctuated, endless ramble from hel. What are you, stupid? Well you pay to go to UMD so probably

Ok so across both nights, let’s count drinks. I can only count to four I can only count to four I can only count to four I can only count to “drum drum” FOOOOUUUUURRRR

If this is what my college life is remembered as, then I lived a good life. Glory to testudo and Guinness.

The Author royally fucking hates Guinness.

Morning after notes: Never doing that again. Until the next pay check, when I’m definitely going to do it again. The Author’s GPA dropped in the process of writing this article.

Image Credits: Kenlynn Ingham