COLLEGE PARK — Renowned British celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsay, recently came to the University of Maryland as a result of a high Terrapin Shorts Index. The TSI was created by Aldrick Amparo, a math major with no sanity, during his five light-year commute to College Park. It measures the ratio of people wearing shorts to people wearing pants. With this ratio being around 0.92 (for every 50 people, 46 are wearing shorts), the now Hare-operated Student Government Association has concluded that it is too hot outside.

Due to these high temperatures on campus, many changes have come to UMD Dining Services. One of these changes is the mass resignation of dining staff, as they were not able to withstand the heat or the number of exposed hairy legs from students wearing shorts. To resolve this, Chef Ramsay has converted all UMD Dining Halls into Hell’s Kitchens, shuttered all cafes and nearby restaurants because of certain health violations spotted at The Board and Brew, and published an academic paper stating that “the chicken sandwiches at The Y were too fucking RAW!”

Under this new policy and because of the mass resignations, students are now forced to cook their own meals. Gordon Ramsay and his army of maître d’s have been seen hopping around the different dining halls to make sure that the quality of the students’ food is no lower than three Michelin stars.

Tired students just looking for a bite to eat are now being threatened with expulsion by Chef Ramsay and his staff over their inability to cook high-quality food while tired. As a result, the head chefs have started to play air horns in the faces of students who fell asleep while making the hamburger patties. They have also been observed walking inside residence halls to pick random students for the next day’s breakfast service.

“These students are pathetic COWARDS!!! YOU’RE EXPELLED!!!” said Chef Ramsay as he yelled at  first-year psychology student, Cryne Teyers, for making undercooked Beef Wellington. “Great, we have to throw that away now! I thought this school was moving fearlessly forward, not backwards… What a fucking donut that guy was!”

“He’s right! They’re all fearless! I am too cowardly and pathetic!” wailed Teyers as Chef Ramsay bottled up his tears as seasoning for the lobster risotto. Teyers was soon expelled and has recently been seen moving his belongings, and for some reason, his roommate’s belongings, out of Prince Frederick Hall.

Students living on campus are now booking flights home just to eat and avoid the wrath of Chef Ramsay. A sophomore gender studies major, Brad LeSkaired, was found by his roommate in La Plata Hall suffering from heat stroke, a mental breakdown, and severe malnourishment after Ramsay forced him to make several batches of fillet mignon for the students eating at the overheated South Campus Dining Hall. Pines does not plan to investigate the case of LeSkaired, or the mysterious disappearances of other students, as he is too focused on a recently purchased private jet.

“One more shitty move from La Plata students, and I will personally make sure your dorm is DESTROYED!!! Is that understood, Brad?” screamed Chef Ramsay straight into LeSkaired’s face as he peed his pants in horror. He immediately sent a message to his floor group chat, but no responses were heard as a bulldozer made its way to La Plata and struck the building’s third floor.

In recent news, the brutal nature of Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen typically involves a prize, and the many human rights violations committed by Chef Ramsay have made students speculate about a prize for the best student chef. Rumors of a secret scholarship sponsored by Ramsay and our newly appointed SGA President, Harold, are spreading. However, many freshmen are not willing to put their college education and well-being on the line for even the most expensive scholarships. More details about the secret scholarship will be revealed in sixty years. 

Image Credits: Aldrick Joves Amparo