The recent decision by the City of College Park to employ AI-based stop sign cameras at five key intersections in the area has been met with a fair degree of criticism. Many see the signs as another attempt by the city to target its financially-struggling youth. Others wonder how it’s different from the 62,719.5 speeding cameras on Route One, and some see it as unnecessary AI usage. Whatever the take, the cameras are operating and ticketing. So, being the good servant that I — Mach Jesus — am, I decided to write a few tips for The Hare on how you can avoid ticketing.

Legal clarifications: How did I figure this out?

Well, that was an accident. Or it wasn’t, but honestly, because there’s a high chance this ends up in a UMPD Officer’s search results, I’m calling it an accident. Anyway, after a glorious night out at Corn— a well-known establishment on Baltimore Avenue past South Campus, we tasked a uhhh… friend(?) with getting us back to our house suspiciously near the College Avenue and Yale Avenue intersections [No Mr. Police Officer, I am not a frat student. Please don’t raid us, that would be soooo unfortunate.]

So, anyway, we drive. My buddy is heavy-footed and blasts past the new stop sign at a speed that I didn’t really care to acknowledge after uhhh, our night. Trust me, perfectly rational speed.

Two weeks later, a ticket arrives. A simple 40 dollar fine. But when I looked at the photo addressed to the Beta Gamma Upsilon Theta (BΓuH)— as of yet not paid, Mr. UMPD officer!!! — I realized, this photo is immensely blurry… I have it all figured out.

PHYSICS: This is where the fun begins

Got it, so, if we are trying to roll through stop signs, why not just… roll through?

Speed cameras work on a principle where, upon detection, the camera shoots its first shot. A second photo is then taken at a predetermined point, and if the distance traveled is beyond the margin, boom, ticket.

The flaw in this system? Cameras. If you go fast enough, your plates won’t be caught. The movement will be too great for it to focus — as seen by that ticket THAT WE AREN’T GOING TO PAY MR. UMPD OFFICER WE ARE AT 8000 YALE AVENUE. Thus, our test…

The Test: PEDAL TO THE METAL

There I was, at the College Avenue and Yale Avenue intersection. It was Friday and at least two drunk frat guys thought I was their ride — including me. My car? Fueled. My mind? Ready. My bank account? It was already in debt.

I went down the street as far as I could go. I set off in my blue 2020 Honda Accord, with the vanity plate TERPLUVR,and I pressed my foot down. I rocketed past every sorority, accelerating my little Honda until it could do no more. As I flew down Yale Avenue, I became conscious of the costs of this public service. By a number that is perhaps similar to I-95 speeds at midnight, I had gone through enough fuel that the Trump administration was considering airstrikes on UMD. Incidentally, after all of one mile, the gas cost was the same as the incoming ticket. No matter, I continued down until I hit that magic number… The aforementioned rational speed of a night out, obviously.

I knew what this would mean; we had our conditioning test. I would get a ticket that I wouldn’t pay. Thus, I went again. Ok, so, the shutter speed is enormously fast. I begin to wonder… How fast do I need to go? I can only do this for so long, we have to go faster. We have to beat the camera… It’s time.

I thundered down Yale. The shitty engine in this car is defying physics, screaming louder than a CS student at the sight of that shower I mentioned. Flow state is achieved, and at least three drunken frat guys die in the process. My wallet braces for the potential impact, as I fly past the sign at approximately 183 miles per hour. Wait, in an Accord? Yeah, ask the tuning club. 

Anxiously, for days, I await the return. Surely they caught me? My god, what kind of payment would occur if I got caught(again)? But, the ticket never came… 

In conclusion

If you wish to avoid getting caught while rolling through College Park stop signs, the answer is really quite simple — you just have to do 183 miles per hour through each one. Does this have negative consequences? Yes, but really, do you care? Yeah, you read up to this point, so I suspect you didn’t. Plus, if you get caught, you can always say you couldn’t see the stop sign at that speed, and the camera didn’t catch you anyway. 

Fearlessly forward, fellow Terps. Fearlessly forward.

Editor’s Note: The City of College Park has installed at least 10 new stop sign cameras since the publication of this article.

Image Credits: Kenlynn Ingham