Breaking University of Maryland news! According to an inside source on the Council of Legendary Figures, who we all know to be quite jolly and have a bowl full of jelly, Pines has apparently fired the esteemed Mr. Easter Bunny. Pines was appointed to a position on the council recently because of all the good he’s been doing around College Park. I mean, come on, who doesn’t see Darryll walking around and see him chumming it with the Tooth Fairy on his off days?

The decision to fire Bugs himself has come after an unprecedented high level of bunny droppings and orphaned chicks being found inside easter eggs all around the College Park area. Pines took it as a personal hit that the bunny was taking a quote-unquote “dump” on his home turf. Just the other day, our wonderful president was frolicking around his home without a care in the world and discovered some eggs leftover from last year. He quickly collected them and brought them inside, and only after cracking them open discovered that they had been full of diarrhea-flavored jelly beans. This was the final straw, to which he signed an immediate termination notice for Mr. Easter Bunny. 

It wasn’t long until we received further news, on our wonderful holiday today, about our new bunny. Although we are saddened that neither our deity, Harold, nor Jesus made the cut, the Bad Bunny is our new Easter holiday mascot. Bad Bunny will be running the show for the foreseeable future, and I’m not just talking about the incredible halftime show most of us couldn’t understand. 

As stated by Sandman, “I’m uncertain as to how he’s going to get all these eggs done so quickly, since Easter is today. I have heard that he’s thinking about giving out concert tickets, signed pictures of himself, or golf balls from the legendary Happy Gilmore! I’m so excited to see what he does, but hopefully Trump doesn’t sic ICE on him first before he has a chance to hide all the golden eggs on the White House’s front lawn.”

Mother Nature, who we know is personally not a fan of Pines, has been comforting Mr. Easter Bunny since the loss. Darryll has a history of making personal matters everyone else’s problem. From trying to get rid of Father Time because Pines was late to a budget meeting, continued attempts to start a DOTS department to charge the council for parking, or sending more memos to the financial aid department to reduce their assistance for the incoming freshman, he’s not exactly a fan favorite. 

We at The Hare will keep you updated as this situation evolves and Pines continues to be a nuisance regarding our holidays. The University of Maryland has already been unlucky enough to have him as the President of our institution. I don’t know what whackjobs made that decision, but now everyone else has to fall victim to his poor decisions. I wouldn’t even be surprised if he names himself the new Boogieman in the future, with all the cowardly hiding he does in the shadows, lurking in children’s dreams.

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson