The mistake begins here, at 9:32PM

Walked in with my dork of a friend, bitch-ass refused to drink a shot as a shot “oooo too much liquid” bitch stfu. 2 drinks deep 

FUCKER WONT DRINK MORE DRINK DRINK. “Waaa waa tequila tastes bad” waaa waaaa DRINK IT BITCH 

Just poked my eyelid with a straw, I think ima die. Dork orders an Irish coffee and is now complaining that it tastes like coffee JUST DRINK THE FUCKING THING  We proceed through the drinks, downing them faster than seniors downing freshmen over at Turf right now, probably. 

I’m 3 drinks ahead of him and he thinks he’s losing his mind. What is he, a lightweight? An inferior being? To drink or not to drink. That is the question. The answer? Is another 3 orange crushes 

Did he seriously just ask the bartender’s name and then ask me to verify if was accurate? Dude, I’m 6 drinks deep and I remember it. Sober note for the audience: I’m not drunk flirting with bartenders, I’m judging someone else for trying. Badly.

(He was supposed to be the DD im so fucking cooked. Alright fuck it we might as well keep drinking at this rate) It is at this point that I begin to feel distinctly the superior drinker. Which I am.

Water feels like the drink of a human who has never lived. Never loved. Who am I but the worst version of myself if I consume this wretched substance? Why is there a child in the men’s room? This is a college bar, are they that bad at ID’ing? No it’s like a actual fucking child what the fuck??? 30 minutes later, not that I am conscious enough to remember when I started that 30 minute count.

I’ve lost track of what’s happening. We’re shitting on CStone right now? Guys is my life over in this bar rn? What a place to die tho. I have places to be at 7am and they’re an hour away. It’s 9am [sober correction: PM] and those places are an hour away. I’m considering spending the rest of my life in this bar I’m so happy omggggg wait where did my drinks go. It’s somewhere past 11 PM and I realize that I don’t get paid until next Friday. It’s currently Saturday man.

Faceoff: Alcohol. Versus bank account. Which form of willpower wins? Money is a capitalist invention so I think alcohol, the great socializer, wins.

People are buying me drinks now and I wish to vomit but I pay too much money to testudo to give up on tonight. I will keep it up. Another orange crush we goooooooooo This was the author’s seventh orange crush.

My bar partner is getting philosophical only I’m allowed to do this. I am the smart one and you’re paying the tab, know your lane… Sober note: He did pay the tab, lol.

Guys I’m tripping balls that Jordan couldn’t shoot and our basketball team could only fucking dream of rn. Glory to testudo! The author was then hit by a bus at 1:20AM on Wednesday morning. The driver reportedly screamed “Fearlessly forward!” as he went.

Image Credits: 7 Orange Crushes