After the conclusion of the most spectacularly incredible season of basketball, which can only be described as bringing tears to my eyes every single time I see their glorious sponsored sneakers hit the court, it has been announced that everyone on the University of Maryland Men’s Basketball team has been drafted! In a recent memo by Coach Buzz “Lightyear” Williams, every single member of the 2025–26 team has been drafted into the NBA. Even the water boy managed to find a spot on the Lakers supporting LeGoat’s hydration demands and foot care routine.

Despite the team going pro, which they already knew was likely with a scoring margin of negative 7.3, most players were upset that they were going to make less money. With UMD shelling out roughly 50% of its annual budget for basketball players’ salaries (the other 50% is locked in for the football team), these players were already placing down payments on their third penthouse in Monte Carlo. Most NBA teams are simply unable to match these players’ current salaries, but the Terps are still willing to make the switch in hopes of meeting Steph Curry or Nikola Jokic.

With the loss of Derik Queen and the rest of the Crab Five, it’s amazing that they managed to secure a solid record of 4–15 in the conference and an astonishing 11–19 overall. Who could’ve predicted such a dominant season? The only thing that could’ve possibly assisted them is yet another budget expansion or a jacuzzi under the Xfinity court. We asked some of our own Terps how they felt about this huge change, and here’s what they had to say:

Some senior who went to one basketball game his freshman year: Wow, really? That’s absolutely awesome for them. You know, I almost met one of the players this year. I was following this really tall dude around campus when he went into the Gossett Training Center. Unfortunately, after I tried following him inside, they threw a bag over my head, duct-taped my hands behind my back, and dropped me in front of McKeldin. It was exhilarating that I almost got to peek inside the facility!

Random student with a smoking VEO in the Cumberland lobby: You know I’m really proud of my team and all that they’ve accomplished. I love going to the games, knowing my tuition, my roommates’ tuition, and the tuition of my entire hallway is going to the good cause of paying these players to stay at this school. (We didn’t have the heart to tell him that they would’ve all left next year anyway.)

When asked for a comment, Pines refused, and proceeded to jog away in his diamond-encrusted tracksuit. Rumor has it he was heading off to a budget meeting to raise the tuition rate for students so he could sign a new five-star benchwarmer, ooooohhh.

So get hyped, excited, and ready to see your Terrapins on NBA courts next season!

Image Credits: Kenlynn Ingham