Earlier this week, UMD mascot Testudo was streaming on Kick, jestermaxxing at the Eppley Recreational Center, as they proceeded to heightmogg the swarm of normiecels and chuds trying to improve their suboptimal canthal tilt and MFR. Around one hour and seven minutes into the stream, however, the frat leader of the Alpha Beta Sigma chapter proceeded to brutally framemog Testudo by flexing on camera. 

This, in turn, ended up causing a high cortisol spike in Testudo, putting them lower on the PSL rating scale. We found Testudo hiding on the second floor of McKeldin, where they were recording looksmaxxing and redpill TikToks while promoting StormBet, an online gambling app. When we asked them to comment on the situation, they simply replied that everyone who supported the ABO frat leader were “all truecels” and “had a rating of zero on the PSL scale.” They then proceeded to break out into a low cortisol dance. 

When we asked the frat leader to comment on the situation, he pointed to his jawline, and wrote down that he was “still on his mewing streak” and that he will “always be the AMOG in the group.” Unconfirmed reports state that when he was back in his dorm, he proceeded to volcelfuel in order to lock in and selfmogg. 

Our investigative journalist, Victor Clav, asked for other opinions on the situation. Here was one of our interviews with an anonymous student. 

Clav: So, how do you feel about the whole situation?

Anonymous: …what situation?

Clav: Didn’t you hear? Testudo was brutally framemogged by the UMD ABO chapter frat leader.

Anonymous: ..Wha- what does that mean? 

Clav: You know… Testudo was jestermaxxing in front of the chuds when the UMD ABO chad frat leader proceeded to framemog Testudo, causing a cortisol spike and a shift in the PSL rankings. 

Anonymous: Are you… are you having a stroke? Do we need to get you to a doctor? I’m a med student, I can… I can help you… 

Clav: Testudo was then found hiding and performing low cortisol dances and looksmaxxing while the frat leader proceeded to selfmog and volcelfuel? You don’t know? 

Anonymous: …I… um, thanks for your time…

(The anonymous student then proceeded to run away.)

We also asked alumni Caleb Sars, class of ‘24, for his opinion. 

Clav: So, how do you feel about-

Sars: Did you know that I didn’t get a high school graduation because of COVID? It was cancelled and I had to watch as I got my diploma online. Do you know how that feels? 

Clav: …Wha-

Sars: We missed out on one of the most important experiences of our lives. I didn’t get to see my friends for the last time back then. I’m still mad about it, ya know? Like, I would have gladly risked my life for the experience of turning the tassel and throwing my cap in the air, as I hugged all my friends and called them derogatory names one last time. 

Clav: ..Sir that’s not the que-

Random woman with septum piercing: Honestly it didn’t even hurt that much.

10,000 bees: Bzzzzzzzzzzz

(The interview was promptly cut short.)

Image Credits: Parker Johnson