It’s no secret that most bars around the University of Maryland require some form of identification to get in. And while going to these bars is seen as taboo by the UMD administration, their methods of age verification are certainly praised — and now, are taking effect within UMD’s main student portal. 

On March 1, 2026, the Testudo Website will require all students — current, former, and prospective — to upload an unblurred, uncensored picture of their actual, government-issued ID to verify their identity to fully access the website. This can be their driver’s license, SSN card, passport, etc. UMD administration has stated that they are doing this to “protect the students” and “make UMD a safer space for everyone.”

UMD spokesperson, Paul Lanthir, seemed to agree with the administration’s decision. “This will help to ensure the legitimacy of each UMD student who goes here.” When asked if the data is actually deleted, he responded that it is, and that “our deletion process is very quick and simple. Every time one of our four reserved diamondback turtles travels one whole kilometer, a picture is deleted… of course, the turtles have roller skates. That’s what makes it fast.”

Students, of course, do not like the change but are finding ways around it regardless. It is quite common knowledge that three-in-four Terps drink. “I mean, I have a pretty convincing fake,” an anonymous student said. “Yes, I am in a frat, why do you ask?” It was at this moment that a giant bat flew out of McKeldin Library and swooped him away, likely to be used as food.

“ID verification? Let’s see them verify THIS!” another anonymous student exclaimed, before flashing their bare buttocks at our reporters. Another nearby student joined them. 

Other students are finding more technical ways around the problem. “This is UMD; their ID checking probably sucks anyways,” student Garry Mawd stated, laughing. “I could pull up someone else’s face as mine… or a 3D model and render it photorealistically. The ID ‘checker’ would probably fall for that.”

Students also questioned UMD’s true motives. “I mean, Lockheed Martin is a pretty big sponsor of UMD,” student Asa Mitaka remarked. “And like, a lot of us protest around here. This feels like a huge conflict of interest… yet another step forward in the surveillance state.” She continued, “I have some… information on Lockheed that I’ll release to the public soon.” In completely unrelated news, multiple black, unmarked vans were found outside her residence hall as of yesterday, and have not moved. 

It’s been rumored that UMD has other plans for student safety as well. One such plan is to allow students to start a “search party,” where they can access the campus security cameras to help track lost items, as well as who stole them.

“There’s no need for us to do all this, other than the want to keep our students safe,” UMD spokesperson George Andwell states, grinning. “They should be grateful, really. This is all to keep students nice and safe, under our constant watch.”

Image Credits: Reagan Eisenstatt