The University of Maryland announced this morning that it used its new proprietary system, TerpAI, to reject every single early action applicant for the Class of 2030. In a move that school officials call “innovative,” “technologically-savvy,” and “probably not illegal,” the university has made history as the first school to achieve a perfect 0% acceptance rate during an early-action cycle. 

“We understand that waiting months for an application decision can be an especially stressful time for students,” the Office of Undergraduate Admissions wrote in a statement. “TerpAI solves the problem by returning application decisions in a record-breaking ten seconds.”

While applicants shared concerns about the legitimacy of the new automated admissions system, university officials emphasized that TerpAI still conducts a “holistic review” on traditional admission factors such as GPA, test scores, extracurriculars, and the inclusion of a convincing personal statement promising “eternal devotion to the inevitable AI overlord.” 

Lead engineers from the Brendan Iribe Center have also come forward to defend TerpAI. “We understand that traditional admissions committees value uniqueness and personality,” one engineer explained. “That’s why we’ve programmed TerpAI to auto-reject common essay tropes, so students are encouraged to really think about their own experiences instead of rehashing what others have already written.” When asked what was flagged as suspiciously cliché, the engineer noted that applications with phrases like “dream school” or “hopeful future” were rejected for having “an unusually high measure of whimsy and wonder.” Other potential reasons for rejections include having a low likelihood of identifying a Terrapin turtle in the wild and missing the hyphen in “University of Maryland-College Park.”

TerpAI has also sent rejection letters out to several current students, professors, and President Pines, who subsequently stepped down from his position in tears after being flagged for “lacking demonstrated interest.”

Regular decision applicants are encouraged to submit applications as usual. For best consideration, applicants are advised to include a statement of sworn allegiance to seven hundred terrapin turtles, though the reasoning is still unclear.

Image Credits: Gale de Silva