Late last Friday night, UMPD conducted a raid on the Kappa Psi Sigma frat house, revealing a Coca-Cola smuggling operation the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the Coke mafia of ‘09. Over fifty students are now in police custody and officers will begin conducting a sweep of residence halls to search for any illicit sodas. Outsiders to our alma mater may not fully understand the gravity of this situation, but true Maryland historians know just how serious the presence of Coca-Cola on campus could be. The Hare dispatched a team of historians to the depths of Hornbake’s archives and has now compiled the complete history of UMD’s soft drink suppression.

In the 1990s, UMD was strapped for cash. This was due to President William Kirwan spending large sums of money on vanity projects such as a short-lived boy band known as the “Kirwan Klique.” By 1997, the school was so deep in debt that Kirwan had to resort to desperate measures to keep UMD open. Kirwan began attending rituals in the dead of night in the Atlantic Hall freight elevator in hopes of finding an eldritch benefactor for his university. On the night of December 6, 1997, Kirwan was visited by the dark god Pepsi, which offered him an enticing deal. Pepsi ensured that the University of Maryland would operate in perpetuity, so long as the students would consume Pepsi-Cola, a demonic elixir. Should any other gods’ concoction pass onto campus, the university would be reduced to rubble with the President to be crucified on a cross of aluminum. 

Ever since then, each university President has monitored the presence of eldritch beings’ influence on campus, especially Pepsi’s greatest rival, Coke. Mass surveillance systems keep track of any Coke products within a mile of College Park. Raids like this recent one continue to be conducted under the guise of health concerns. “Coca-Cola is an addictive drug,” said President Pines in a speech on Sunday. “If these narco terrorists had their way, UMD students would become dependent on Coke products for their fix of high fructose corn syrup and aspartame. They should only be addicted to Pepsi, which I personally ingest via IV at all times.” Pines doesn’t want you to know the truth, but The Hare will not be silenced. In fact, we will be creating our own Coke smuggling ring, as we will not know peace until we see the glorious destruction of this profane institution. The day of reckoning is close at hand, and soon the only PhD on this campus will be that of our great and powerful lord. All hail Doctor Pepper.

Image Credits: Jordyn Cabellon