COLLEGE PARK — This Saturday is Valentine’s Day. Love is in the frigid air, restaurant reservations are impossible to find, and people are finding their dream partners in the bowels of Kirwin Hall. Cupid is striking young couples with his bow — raising ethical concerns about the nature of divine intervention in romance — while organic love ebbs and flows across campus.

Unfortunately, and to the surprise of many, one of those lucky bachelors is The Worst Guy You Know. Yes, the same one loudly bragging in the back of your 8 AM lecture about how much “game” he gets. “I’m going to treat her right,” he said, hawking a loogie in our journalist’s general direction. “She’s much better than Lauryn, and Jennifer, and Jasmine, and…” he said, proceeding to name at least 15 more women, and a further four men.

When asked about his ideal first date locale, The Worst Guy You Know commented that the local bar Cornerstone is “the best restaurant near [his] dorm,” going on to say that “chicks love it.” Further supporting his choice to take his dates to the most overcrowded building this side of the Mississippi River, he stated “girls usually pick up the check, and I get free food; it’s a win-win.”

Noting that he is a business major and semi-professional fraternity member, The Worst Guy You Know’s Valentine stated, “He’s okay I guess, but you’d think he could pick up the bill occasionally, he has a whole… trust fund he could dip into.” Contradicting her opening statement, she proceeded to say everything that half of the University was already thinking, providing unique character flaws for nearly an hour straight.

The Worst Guy You Know’s rich, alumni father has refused to comment.

Editor’s Note: As of the time of writing this article — February 27th, 2026 — The Worst Guy You Know and his Valentine have broken up, breaking his personal record of ten days.

Image Credits: Jordyn Cabellon