This weekend only, South Campus Dining Hall is rolling out a Valentine’s Day menu designed specifically for the in-love, the single, and the completely confused.

It’s Complicated Combo

Two drinks, one straw, and a shared cookie. Perfect for couples who haven’t defined the relationship but want everyone to know they’re “sort of together.” Ideal for posting vague Instagram stories while you try to pull off the perfect soft launch.

Loneliness Lasagna

Available only after 10 PM for anyone who “doesn’t care about V-Day” but still cries quietly listening to Laufey. The pasta is somehow both undercooked and too mushy, making it everybody’s last choice. Comes with a lone garlic breadstick that judges your life decisions.

Situationship Sampler Platter

A bewildering mashup of chicken nuggets, tofu cubes, and an overcooked mystery vegetable that somehow all ended up on the same plate. None of it was meant to go together, much like you and the guy you met after redownloading Tinder for the third time. Comes with a side of awkward eye contact and absolutely zero commitment, just like you and the food you meal prepped at the start of the week. 

Second Date Seafood Boil

Hot, spicy, and messy. Served with unlimited anxiety about chewing too loudly or saying something embarrassing. By the fourth bite you will be drenched in sweat. Dessert is optional, judgment is mandatory, and self-conscious panicking comes free with every bite.

PDA Pretzels

For all the couples with nothing to hide. The bread is twisted, warm, and tangled, just like all the pairs you’ll see around campus this weekend. Plus, it’s just as salty as you’ll be when you spot your fifth Trader Joe’s bouquet of the day.

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson