The Department of Transportation Services at the University of Maryland, College Park, has been the subject of controversy over the past few years. Students and faculty alike have criticised DOTS on the grounds of a mismanaged shuttle system, egregiously strict parking enforcement, and a general lack of transparency in how they operate.

Most recently, however, there was controversy involving a change of leadership within DOTS. Just two weeks ago, DOTS Executive Director David Allen declared he was stepping down and would be replaced by an outside contractor: High Demon Razithoth, patron deity of suffering and tyranny. The backlash from the student body was not aided by his inauguration speech, which students reported to be “in poor taste” and “terrifying.” To quote The Flayed Lord, “I hear your complaints about the performance of the Department of Transportation Services. Allow me to ensure you… you have no idea how bad it can get.”

Director Razithoth proposed several new policies during his press conference. The following are highlights of the changes planned for the coming year.

1. Delay construction of The Purple Line

The proposed 21-stop light rail is planned to have five stops placed around UMD’s campus, and is expected to begin service in late 2027. The Department of Transportation Services has proposed digging up much of the rail infrastructure around campus and “trying again, this time with passion.” This is projected to delay the Purple Line’s opening by another five years. This would allow DOTS to continue to block traffic and place more arbitrary orange dividers around campus with no rhyme or reason.

2. Rework ticketing

Parking tickets will now accrue interest at a rate of 50% per day. Some may find this a bit steep, but DOTS has affirmed that if someone cannot afford to pay the ticket, they can instead work off their debts in the salt mines hidden beneath the Y.

3. Increase Prices

To increase the amount of resources available for their endeavors, DOTS has raised the prices on many of their services. For instance, to procure a parking permit, students must first pay an entrance fee to enter DOTS headquarters, then must pay for the paperwork to fill out, and only then can they buy a parking pass, the cost of which has been lightly inflated to a mere “arm and a leg.” Additionally, students will no longer pay a flat fee for parking, and will instead be charged by the square inch that their car takes up. Better leave those Hummers at home.

4. Improve parking enforcement

DOTS has employed a small group of psychic wizards with the ability to see into the future. This will allow DOTS to tow and ticket cars that will eventually illegally park before they have a chance to illegally park at all, à la Minority Report.

5. Streamline the shuttle system

UMD’s shuttle system has been criticized over struggles with logistics. There have been reports of busy bus lines only having one bus for dozens of people, leading to the vast majority of people on those lines having to wait for another, as well as reports of buses arriving and leaving ten minutes early or ten minutes late with no regard for the actual presence of passengers. Director Razithoth has pledged to “do away with all that” by removing the shuttle system entirely. In its stead will be three Honda Odysseys that drive around the UMD area in a random route at a leisurely 50 MPH. To board, passengers will need to make a well-timed jump into the moving car, performing the same process to exit. Students are advised to learn how to tuck and roll. UMD has also sent out a “Fast and Furious” module for students to complete in preparation, the completion of which will provide students with a free scoop of asphalt flavored ice cream from Maryland Dairy.

The new leadership at the Department of Transportation Services shows promise, in the sense that he promises to plunge the world into eternal darkness. So, in essence, nothing much has changed from how DOTS previously functioned. Now, if you will excuse me, I think my car is being towed.

Image Credits: Gale de Silva