Following a week full of ever-changing forecasts that ranged anywhere from zero inches to 10 feet of snow, the chaotic dynamics of this recent snow system have forced the University of Maryland to cancel all courses for the Spring 2026 semester. While much of the Eastern seaboard has only had to endure a single day of snow, a localized long-lasting storm has developed over College Park, forcing the school’s hand.

“I’m tired of always being the bad guy,” said Darryll Pines in a written statement emailed to all students. “You guys are always on my ass for not actually improving campus. I’m tired. So here you go, is this what you all wanted? You’re welcome.”

The university is planning to implement several changes across campus to improve the experience for students trapped in this everlasting snow storm. Capitalizing on the giant hill the entire school was built on, all of Campus Drive will be converted into a large ski slope, operated by RecWell. The Maryland Department of Transportation has pledged to convert the Purple Line cables to carry ski gondolas to reflect this change.

Further, the Engineering department agreed to take a break from studying more efficient ways to commit war crimes, instead opting to research new surfaces and equipment for students to use for winter sports. Their researchers are predicting that these new techniques will allow students to gain enough velocity to break the sound barrier by the time they reach the bottom of Stamp Hill.

Unfortunately, not everyone will be enjoying the snow. Your one shitty professor — yes, the one that was rated one out of five on PlanetTerp and the only person teaching that one annoying course required for your major — has decided to hold online synchronous lectures throughout the semester. There’s no reason for this. The University will be closed for academic studies, professors will be compensated well throughout this break, and students will all be granted passing grades. It doesn’t matter for this professor, they’re just doing it for the love of the game. And yes, class will still take place at the original time of eight o’clock in the morning.

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson