After an explosive 4–0 start to the season that had true freshman quarterback, Malik Washington, getting early Heisman attention, the Terrapins have since floundered, losing each of their last eight games. While this team’s potential has shown flashes, more work is needed to elevate them to the next level.

One path forward is to train harder in the offseason and become a better team through grit and merit. However, Mike Locksley is returning as head coach next year, so just throw all that out of the window. Another avenue is retooling our roster in the transfer portal. Unfortunately, all the money that could’ve been offered to players was used to construct a second bowling alley in President Pine’s estate. We also contacted the referee’s union, however, they did not accept my proposal, claiming some rubbish excuse about “bribery” and “extortion.”

The Terrapins will have to find another way to win, and if watching Love Island taught me anything, it’s the importance of the superficial. So here are five new ideas for football equipment that will improve the Terrapin’s performance next year.

1. Old Bay “sticky” gloves

Sticky gloves are specialized receiver gloves made with tacky materials that enhance grip, making it easier to hold onto the ball. These are already widely used in football, however Maryland’s anemic offense needs more help than that. Instead of silicone, coat the gloves in Old Bay seasoning for some real friction. There’s certainly no way our receivers drop any balls now, and our opponents will be in for a salty surprise.

2. Traffic cone helmets

We might as well embrace the construction at this point. Repurposing traffic cones as helmets would not only provide superior protection to our players, but would clean up campus roads as well. Just imagine the terror in opponents’ eyes when they see eleven traffic cones barreling towards them. Now that’s a street warning I’ll listen to.

3. Veos for the running backs

If the run game is struggling, just put the RBs on a Veo Astro scooter. With a blazing top speed of 30 mph, defenses will be left in the dust. If we scoot in enough touchdowns, Veo might even sponsor the team, and we can rename the stadium for the second time in three years. We wouldn’t even need to finance these, all the athletes already have scooters to get to their business classes.

4. Celsius smelling salts

Smelling salts, small capsules of ammonia that are inhaled to increase alertness and focus, are used across professional sports. However, when our players really need to wake the hell up during a game, that may not be enough. With Celsius-branded smelling salts, players are hit with ammonium carbonate and 200mg of caffeine. If that doesn’t get your heart pumping, you should probably seek medical attention.

5. Removing AC in the opponent’s locker room

Sometimes you need addition by subtraction. Take out the air conditioning units in the away team’s locker room. Make them sweat, literally. They’ll be so delirious coming out into the field that the Terrapins will run right over them. I would suggest putting the AC units in a dorm like Hagerstown, but the university would probably use that as an excuse to raise tuition another couple thousand dollars.

Sports analysts have been saying the only thing that can turn the Terrapins around is an act of god… and that’s probably true. However, in the meantime, we cannot go gentle into that good night. We must rage, fearlessly forward into the dying of the light. Implementing these ideas will make us a better, stronger team, ready for playoff contention next year. Not to get ahead of myself, but I can already taste the championship trophy. Or maybe that’s the metallic aftertaste of the ammonia gas I was huffing earlier.

Image Credits: Gale de Silva