COLLEGE PARK —Last Tuesday, the College Park Community Center opened its doors for Election Day. Pending official results, exit polls suggest Zohran K. Mamdani won the seat through an impromptu write-in surge.

Earlier that week, students at the University of Maryland, College Park, received an exciting offer: interested student voters in the local College Park election would receive a voucher for 10 Terrapin Dollars.

“It just kinda popped up in my TerpMail,” described sophomore John Frum, “and I thought it was spam, or was supposed to have been sent to someone more important.” Per the University, the promised Terrapin Dollar voucher has no “monetary, physical, sentimental, or psychosexual value” that would possibly violate federal statutes forbidding vote-bribery for entities not directly affiliated with Elon Musk.

Though woefully uninformed regarding the candidates and issues on the ballot, UMD students flocked to the polls, eager to claim their promised vouchers. Exit polls show that the student surge confounded preliminary polling data. (Several interviewees claimed they were unable to find the section for President of the United States, and thus wrote their choice in the ballot’s margins.) When asked about their choice for the mayor of College Park, interviewees provided an astonishing range of answers:

S. M. Fazlul Kabir (incumbent): 1.6%

Zohran K. Mamdani (write-in): 84.7%

Kermit the Frog (written in via crude doodle): 10.1%

Darryll J. Pines (write-in): 3.6%

Students’ premier choice, Democratic Socialist Mayor-Elect Mamdani of New York City, has successfully courted the youth vote in his home city and College Park. “Why does NYC get to have all the cool stuff and revolutionary people?” complained freshman Lucy Mair. Another freshman added, “The buses are already free, but Zohran could add a special shuttle to get Turning Point USA the hell off our campus!”

Despite the enthusiasm regarding his successful election, students were unsure of how Mamdani would manage presiding over NYC and College Park. “Maybe we could have a split custody situation?” theorized junior Francis Hagai. “Mamdani and Rama Duwaji [Mamdani’s wife] could each choose between the two towns, then they’d switch in six months.”

The official results of Tuesday’s election have not been released yet. Anonymous sources within the polling station say they’ve been battling persistent software errors: “EZVote [a polling software made by Palantir Technologies] labels any Democratic voter a ‘subversive’ and instructs us to burn the ballot. Weird!”

Image Credits: Jordyn Cabellon