The autumnal season is upon us once more, October beckoning the arrival of the soft apocalypse we have come to worship per annum. The air grows colder and carries the lingering presence of pumpkin spice and clove, and monstrosities from the back of summer closets emerge in cable-knit communion. The moon swells with a discerning eye, stirring spirits to cross the thinning veil between worlds and dwell amongst us mortal folk, with one spirit growing ever stronger with each passing year. 

Mortals and spirits have long declared it Spiritus Christmassium Maleficus, a merciless Santanic force clad in red velvet and holly. It starts its encroachment subtly, a faint jingle beneath the rustling of leaves, a glint of tinsel piercing the shadows. But the spirits of October are quickly losing their ground, falling victim to this premature cheer. The Santanic has grown far too strong!

Brothers and sisters, as worshippers of the macabre, thou must squash the malevolent merriment and perform an exorcism to banish the baneful spirit of Yule! In these rituals, trust, endure, conquer. Come brothers and sisters, and henceforth reclaim October.

The Ritual

For those overtaken by Spiritus Christmassium Maleficus before the November dawn, restrain the afflicted at once and commence the exorcism. 

Gather all that is needed. A faintly rotting jack-o’-lantern, a large pouch of pumpkin spice and salt, a wayward garland, a match struck from an October bonfire, a speaker that plays the ancient song of Spooky Scary Skeletons, and cider imbued with unholy water.

Perform the Rite of Expulsion

1. Circle the Possessed with the salt and spice and everything nice while chanting “Per leafum et moonum, per frostum et flamus, reveniat as seasunum tuum, O festivus banus!”
2. Present the pumpkin, holding aloft and speaking directly to the spirit within the victim, “Spiritus Christmassium Maleficus! Exito! Exito! Non redium ad Octobrum!”
3. Burn the garland with the bonfire match, reciting “Crisp air, not snow. Decay, not glow. Begone false joy, return below. Let October breathe, let pumpkins reign! Depart, O jingling Christmas Bane!”
4. Rebuke the Santanic and play loudly the ancient song of Spooky Scary Skeletons; the true Spirit of October will drive out the invader.
5. Once the Santanic is expelled, provide the possessed a goblet of cider imbued with unholy water, a fiery distillation bearing the mark of October’s Occult, to complete the purification within. 
6. Deliver the final blessing, “Tu purificatus est.”

The Ritual is complete, October reclaimed. But beware, brothers and sisters, of premature holiday shame!!

Image Credits: Hayley Boore