Welcome back, Terps, to another extravagant reading from the stars. So drop absolutely everything, grab some popcorn and a Pepsi, and let’s dive in together!

Aries
Go with the flow, Aries. Let life take you where it wants you to be. If you start in a stream of opportunity, you will end up in an ocean of possibilities. Unless you are physically in a stream. Then you should consider getting out, because I guarantee that there will not be any internships in the middle of an ocean.

Taurus
Remember that one time your waiter told you to enjoy your food, and you responded with a loud and clear, “You too!” Yeah, well, that waiter was actually a genie and is now sending a horde of angry pacifist honeybees to ruin your next Saturday outing. Do not worry, they will not hurt you, but you should still consider running like hell.

Gemini
Funny story: the stars actually did not include you in today’s reading. They told me that they slept past their alarm and, due to time constraints, were forced to show me only 11 divine visions. Sorry.

Cancer
Contrary to popular belief set afoot by Weird Al Yankovic, try to stay away from lying face down in the mud all week. Remember that Weird Al is satire, and that The Hare is the real deal. Besides, all that mud is probably not good for your skin.

Leo
A little birdy came up to me the other day and told me that you Leo’s should start investing in meme stocks. Quickly after, I ran away screaming because birds don’t talk. Whether it was a schizophrenic episode or a sign from the cosmos (or both), I’m not exactly sure. But, truthfully, the latter is a much more likely scenario.

Virgo
You have some big change coming your way, Virgo. Now, whether that “big change” is in the metaphorical sense, or the much more literal “giant coins coming after you and trying to beat you up” way, I can’t say for sure. For the time being, though, stay away from ATMs. You never know what might happen.

Libra
It is your season, Libra! The best way to celebrate this occasion is to buy a propeller hat and a comically large lollipop. Seriously, imagine going to a party rocking that combo. Everyone is gonna wish they were you. You will get hordes of people asking for your autograph, trying to get selfies, and whatever else their minds come up with. Yeah, you’ll be the coolest kid at the function.

Scorpio
Scorpio, please remember to fix your grammar. I’m sure your English professors are tired of correcting the mistakes, and y’know what? So am I, every time I’m forced to read your writing. Also, you shouldn’t’ve used as many contractions as you did in your last paper. Luckily, I’m not a Scorpio, so I can ignore that advice.

Sagittarius
There are always ups and downs in life. If things are looking down, they will get better. But you cannot have one without the other, which is what makes life so beautiful. You can’t enjoy the highs without feeling the lows. Remember this the next time you get stuck in an elevator.

Capricorn
It’s nice to see an outgoing and friendly person like you, Capricorn. Just make sure you have a costume ready for Halloween weekend, or else everyone is gonna be disappointed in you. And trust me, the last thing we all want to see is everyone disappointed in a Capricorn like you.

Aquarius
Everybody wants a lot of adventure in their lives, but the stars warn you that there is such a thing as being too adventurous. Remember that the next time a tall shady folk in a trench coat tries to sell you magic beans. They aren’t real, and you should not be trusting them. I learned that one the hard way.

Pisces
Midterms, midterms, midterms. Keep up the good work in your studies, and you will do great! One caveat is that you can’t use the study pods on the third floor of McKeldin. Yeah, unfortunately, Jupiter gave me a grave warning about Pisces who try to use them. And I’m glad to hear it too, because maybe I’ll finally get to use one for a change.

Image Credits: Gale de Silva