COLLEGE PARK — In a recent LinkedIn post that started with “I’m thrilled to announce” and ended with 90 half-hearted congratulatory comments, the worst person you know just declared they’ll be accepting a job at the government and defense contractor Palantir.

“I really enjoy working at the intersection of artificial intelligence and human suffering,” they told us. “It was a tough decision, with O’Hare Air also extending a competitive offer, but I really believe in Palantir’s impactful work.”

Palantir is an American company that describes itself as creating software tools to analyze vast sums of data, but can perhaps more accurately be described as the real-world version of a cartoonishly evil company in any movie you’ve ever watched. They can be thanked for such boons to humanity as discriminatory predictive policing systems, government facial recognition and surveillance software, and systems to track targets of current dystopian deportation efforts, creatively dubbed “ImmigrationOS” (yes, really). Beyond the domestic context, Palantir’s software operates without any pretense of worrying about trivial concepts like “human rights” or “international law.”

“I mean, in the grand scheme of things, Palantir really isn’t that bad,” the worst person you know said while nervously scratching the back of their neck. “I mean look, no company is perfect. Some just happen to make it their mission to further the cause of collective misery in order to increase shareholder value. They also just so happen to pay more than anybody else.”

After providing that dismissive response, the worst person you know gained 15 extra points in Palantir’s national social credit database. When pressed further on the morals of working for the company, they directed their gaze to their phone sitting on the table, whose microphone indicator light suddenly turned on. They thought it best to conclude the interview shortly after.

When previously asked, the worst person you know mentioned they had taken the ethics course ENES200, but said it didn’t impact their decision to join Palantir in the slightest. Our reporting found that the listing for ENES200 in the Schedule of Classes included a conspicuous note thanking Lockheed Martin and Northrop Grumman for sponsoring the course. After conducting numerous student interviews, The Hare determined that the curriculum for this ethics in engineering course seems to not actually have anything to do with either engineering or ethics. An equivalent course was not offered for the Computer Science department since, according to a statement from the department, “we don’t even pretend to care anymore.”

The Hare did not reach out to Palantir for comment, as they could already surveil us writing this entire article anyway, but we did receive a message from an unknown sender simply telling us to “watch out.”

Image Credits: Sir Valance