The Hare’s F.A.C.T. checking feature verifies spurious claims from sources across campus, including, but not limited to: The Diamondback, President Pines, DOTS, and worst of all, The Diamondback.

In this edition: Our shadowy overlords have demanded helmets for all micromobility riders regardless of skill, suicidal tendencies, or perceived invulnerability. It’s high time to expose the helmet industry’s seedy underbelly. 

Maryland Today
“We aim to safeguard Terps and others by requiring anyone operating a micromobility vehicle (as defined in the policy) on university property to wear a helmet at all times. The president approved the interim policy, and it is currently in effect.”

EVALUATION: LET’S NOT BE HASTY

We concede: a campus-wide helmet policy for micromobility riders, punishable by death unspecified disciplinary action, was announced on Thursday. But was President Pines actually involved? Relevant sources confirm that his office in the Thomas V. Miller Jr. Administration Building has remained empty for weeks. So where’d he go? After a thorough investigation of campus security footage, our highly-paid analysts concluded that UMPD officers arrested Pines almost two weeks ago for “repeatedly” jaywalking near Campus Drive and Regents Drive. No progress has been made on inquiries about the status of his bail.

The Diamondback
“A micromobility vehicle is defined as any electric, battery-powered, solar-powered or manually-operated vehicle. This includes manual and electric bikes, skateboards and scooters.”

EVALUATION: BALDERDASH

According to the micromobility policy, anything fast enough to cut off a speeding Metrobus must be a “micromobility vehicle.” It shouldn’t take a room full of mechanical engineering majors to tell you that’s ridiculous. In fact, here’s a short list of the transportation methods that fall under the policy’s overbreadth:

• Fred Flintstone’s Flintmobile
• A two-person wheelbarrow race
• Kermit the Frog on his iconic bike
• Crowdsurfing on a campus tour group

The University of Maryland Micromobility Workgroup
“It is known that accidents and collisions involving micromobility vehicles often involve head injury, and that wearing helmets can reduce the severity of head injuries.”

EVALUATION: HUH?

Back up a second. Helmets? Like those things NFL players wear to hide their traumatic brain injuries? To evaluate the Micromobility Workgroup’s grandiose claims about head injuries resulting from accidents or collisions, we spoke to Derek Weeks, a survivor of “at least nine” scooter crashes. In his most recent accident, an evening of competitive drinking came to a screeching halt at the Purple Line tracks on Campus Drive.

“It was Beer Hunger Games night, of course. Team Katniss stole the lead at the last minute, so they got to waterboard us with Natural Light. Coming home, I swerved my Veo scooter across some tracks, my front wheel got caught, and I got Purple-Lined into an open manhole. I’m not weak — it didn’t hurt a [unintelligible]. I woke up the next morning when someone dropped their keys on my forehead.” 

Despite the bodily trauma sustained in his fall, Weeks steadfastly maintains that a helmet remains unnecessary. “This helmet thing is about money. They create a problem, then they sell us the solution. Just because you’ve bruised your dome on a bit of asphalt doesn’t mean you need a $60 All-Terrain TestudoHelmet®.”

The University of Maryland Department of Transportation
“Q: Can I get a free or discounted helmet at UMD? A: A limited number of helmets are available as giveaways. Here is information on how to get a $10 helmet from RecWell.”

EVALUATION: WELL, WELL, WELL

As stylish as the $10 RecWell helmets are, no University-manufactured solution could convince our loyal readers to cover their pridefully unadorned skulls. Think about it this way: no helmet means no helmet-hair. Godspeed, you seatbelt-less, helmet-less, wild-eyed vessels of higher learning! Go forth and narrowly miss a pedestrian!

Image Credits: Gale de Silva