COLLEGE PARK — What started out as another festive weekend on Fraternity Row quickly turned disgusting and dangerous in what authorities believe was a targeted attack on UMD’s social fraternities.

At approximately 11:53pm on Saturday, waves of partygoers burst from a house on Fraternity Row, breaking down the door and pouring onto the Fraternity Fields in terror to escape a noxious odor that permeated inside the building. In the following minutes, the same scene could be observed from several other houses on Fraternity Row’s north side. Several people sustained injuries in their escape, witnesses said, by tripping over their fallen peers, slipping on their own vomit, or slipping on the vomit of their fallen peers. They were not certain what percentage of the vomit occurred as a direct result of the odor, as many of the victims were also suffering from alcohol poisoning.

Parties were cut short as authorities were called to help the sick and injured, including one bouncer found in critical condition after being trampled by a mob. The next morning, a police investigation discovered that behind every one of the affected fraternity houses lay an empty bottle of Liquid Ass: a military-grade stink compound used by sergeants to condition troops to the smell of a battlefield, and by children to ruin the days of their friends.

A freshman girl who was a guest at the party told us that when the smell hit she thought it was the breath of the man she was speaking to at the time. “If you’re reading this, sorry I threw up on your brand new white sneakers,” she addressed him. “And I don’t remember exactly what I said to you because I was drunk as [explicative], but I promise I’m nicer than that.” She was granted anonymity at her request.

When asked why the houses’ front doors had all broken, students and police reported that the interior knobs on each door were covered in Vaseline. One UMPD officer elaborated that houses hosting large parties often lock and cover their windows and backdoors to keep noise and “other” pollution inside. “With everyone forced to use the front door,” he said, “the situation was easy for pranksters to exploit.”

When asked if UMPD knew the perpetrator, a different officer said that they requested a search warrant to investigate the headquarters of UMD’s Fart Club. “We don’t think the connection between ‘fart’ and ‘Liquid Ass’ is enough to establish probable cause,” he said, “but who knows? Maybe Trump will appoint a new district judge for Maryland that doesn’t know what ‘probable cause’ means by the time our request hits the desk.”

We asked around Fraternity Row for student opinions, too. Rufi Yu, a junior, responded, “Liquid Ass? Isn’t that the new iPhone look?” According to Chaz Erikson, a fraternity president, “It was those Chenners,” he said, clenching his jaw so hard his face turned red and his eyes popped out.

Image Credits: Red “Blenderman”