For nearly 100 years, University of Maryland students have believed that a rub of the holy Testudo’s nose would bless them with good grades, an internship, or protection from whatever future challenges may befall them. But could it be that their prayers were in vain? Last week, the university’s Department of Oracles, Divining, or Other Seeing Sciences (DOODOOS) released a study showing that the campus’s beloved terrapin may not be all that they seem. The analysis of all bronze statues on campus revealed that there is an even more powerful idol — Greg Heffley. 

“It was quite a surprise, even to us,” said Terral K Pines, one of the chief authors of the study. On average, the increase in test scores after rubbing Greg’s nose was 100% higher than after rubbing Testudo’s, and students were 200% more likely to be accepted into internships. However, most offerings don’t appear to work on Greg, save for pre-sliced cheddar cheese, which can be used to curse your enemies. 

“We’re still not sure why Greg is so powerful,” said Franklin Jeffley, one of the co-authors of the study. “You’d think that a creature with millions of years of evolution under its belt would be able to commune with nature or affect fate or something like that. But no, their powers are dwarfed by a 12 year old sociopath loser with eye bags and scoliosis.” The leading theory is that like a nuclear waste site, Greg absorbs and contains bad luck when his nose is touched, unlike Testudo, who only offers a temporary luck buff. For this reason, DOODOOS has advised against damaging Greg, which could result in a flood of bad omens and misfortune upon campus. 

Students have had mixed reactions to the news. Some have begun to worship Greg, while others maintain that Testudo is the main deity of UMD, and to cross them would lead to eternal suffering and/or never reaching nirvana. “I’m really worried about the schism that this seems to be creating,” said Constantine Nople, a religious studies major, expressing concern over potential religious tension on campus. Polling indicates that nearly 45% of students have converted to Heffleyism, posing a significant threat to Testudo’s dominance.

At around 2:15 am this morning, our reporters, with help from DOODOOS researchers, were able to summon Testudo for comments: “I’m sick and tired of these newgens doubting my power. I’ve been here for 11 million years and I’ll be here for 11 million more. That [redacted] Greg doesn’t know what’s coming for him. When I’m done with him they’ll have to melt whatever’s left into a trombone.”

Image Credits: Jordyn Cabellon