I was recently granted access to the living quarters in the southern part of campus, colloquially known as South Hill. In the months leading up to my reassignment, I was most excited to finally train like my forefathers in a proper sports and exercise facility: the Ritchie Coliseum. So then, imagine my surprise when the “Coliseum” was nothing of the sort!  Preposterous I say! The so-called Coliseum is a disappointment and an embarrassment to the legacy of the word. There were no chariots, no prisoners of war, no wildebeests, no lions, nothing! There is no avenue for glory in this gods-forsaken venue. Instead, this pathetic excuse of a training facility constitutes no more than a basketball court, 6 squat racks, a few rusty machines, and treadmills. The only area dedicated to combat is smaller than my dormitory and emptier than a Phoenician brain. May Mars himself strike down this abomination. Hence I present five argumentums as to why the Ritchie Coliseum should bring back gladiatorial combat.

1. Prevent false advertising lawsuits

We live in an epoch of great uncertainty and political unrest. Educational institutions are being litigated against for the most granular of issues. Imagine what will happen when the governing state discovers the lackadaisical manner in which we use the word “coliseum?” It used to mean something. It represented physical dominance, mental fortitude, and the sanctity of bloodsport. To call this disgraceful arena a “coliseum” is simply begging for a lawsuit. And you know what? They would be entirely justified to do so! We must bring back gladiatorial combat to this “coliseum” to protect our campus from legal action.

2. Improve athletic performance

In this day and age, collegiate athletic programs are implementing the highest forms of gymnasiums and training facilities science can muster. Teams spend millions upon millions of dollars on machines, recovery, and equipment to get the slightest of edges in modern sports. Imagine then, what would happen if our Maryland Terrapins trained using the vicious techniques of old? Who would be stronger, a Nittany Lion, or a Lion-slayer? Who would be faster, one who runs in a lab, or one who runs for his life? I challenge thee to find a bond stronger than the brotherhood that is forged in the throes of war. I foresee a world in which gladiatorial combat propels our student athletes to the highest possible level of collegiate greatness.

3. Student and faculty motivation

We have forged a society of weakness. Children cheat on exams because they disregard the idea of punishment. Faculty mistreat students for they lack fear of retribution. To fix this soft society, we must regress back to the days of yore when failure was punished not with a slap on the wrist, but with a slash through the heart. Your groupmates shall be most mindful of deadlines!  Never again would your TA’s cancel office hours! Pines would be forced to listen to our demands! Our students would become the most studious amongst the nation, nay, the globe if our failing students faced the arena instead of an XF! Furthermore, imagine the school spirit that would be cultivated if after a long day of tedious coursework students could watch the pinnacle of battle at their own school! It would be a valiant sight indeed.

4. Engineering project testing

While the ancients had long forgotten knowledge, it is illogical to claim that modern day science is worthless. Rather, the technological superiority of this day and age is precisely why we need gladiatorial combat! This school is renowned for our creation of destructive technology, but we need a place to allow those creations to iterate and reach their full potential. The gladiatorial arena allows for precisely that! It also comes with the side effect of reducing animal cruelty. Hark upon this vision of the Gosettian athletes training against the Clarkian mecha-kaiju’s, both training with strength and honor to become the best version of themselves. 

5. For the spectacle (and our wallets)

What is a bigger spectacle than bloodsport? We could be the first academic institution, nay, the first of any institution since the great Roman Empire to host such an event. Our product would be a lucrative commodity indeed! Men, women, and children from far and wide would gather to watch 11 offensive linemen fight two mechanical lions! It would revolutionize the industry, and more importantly line my our pocketbooks! Truly a worthy cause!

I hope to have proven to thee that gladiatorial combat is necessary for the survival of our school. May Ritchie Coliseum be henceforth a true coliseum, and by Mars, may the naysayers be struck down! 

Strength and honor!

Image Credits: Raeid Raunak