Thankfully, the Maryland Terrapin Football Team succumbed to their first loss of the 2025 football season on October 4th after losing 24-20 to the Washington Huskies. Order has now been restored to the Universe.

The chaos began on August 30th when Maryland beat Florida Atlantic University 39-7. It was a momentous occasion for the Terps, but an unholy moment for the Universe. The Universe, like the rest of UMD, had become accustomed to the Terps being perpetually mid and often garbage. This win was antithetical to the very being of the Universe, but since it was only the first game of the season, the Universe was able to recover.

It was after the second win against Northern Illinois University that the Universe started to show cracks. At first, some of the effects were positive. A student managed to insert a USB stick on their first try. Study rooms in Mckeldin were actually open and usable. The dryers briefly stopped absorbing socks. The CS building was 11% less smelly!

It was the win against Towson that began to cause some serious consequences. Many theorize that as punishment for this win, the Universe decided to institute both a Freshman Flu and a Sophomore Flu. All assignments had deadlines “mysteriously” changed to 11:57 instead of 11:59. Rates of alarm-failure increased by 32%. There’s even a rumor that this win caused UMPD to put that meanie cop on the campus drive intersection. 

It was after the fourth win against Wisconsin that the impacts were felt across the globe. The Universe was actively collapsing. Cats and dogs no longer hated each other. Old Faithful went off two minutes early. Gravity momentarily became 10 m/s², and pi was rapidly approaching 3.2. Engineering students were learning how to talk to women!

It had been eons (two years) since this team had a five game win streak. The student body had no idea how to respond. Rates of delinquency, carjacking, and indecent exposure were through the roof! The Universe too, was reaching its breaking point. If we won, who knows what could have happened? A black hole? Nuclear fission? Students watched the fifth game with bated breath, hoping that Maryland could pull through. 

And Maryland did pull through. We lost. And what a loss it was. We were up 13-0 at half time and 20-3 after the 3rd quarter. And then we choked! We gave up 21 points in the last quarter! They scored four touchdowns when we couldn’t even score one! Maryland was back to losing and the Universe was saved. 

Thank you Terps for restoring order to the Universe. We are forever grateful for your sacrifice.

Image Credits: Raeid Raunak