Truth in reporting is hard to come by, especially in our modern digital ecosystem. That’s why UMD’s finest source for news, The Hare, created a fact-checking feature run by and for College Park’s most paranoid skeptics. Inspired by the nation’s greatest fact-checking desks at The Washington Post (now defunct) and Snopes (to be outlawed in 2027), The Hare verifies spurious claims from sources across campus, including, but not limited to: The Diamondback, President Pines, MDOT, and worst of all, The Diamondback.

In this edition: Have body lice invaded the University of Maryland’s furniture? Will they team up with the lantern flies to enact a cleansing justice on the swathes of human sinners? The Hare is here to set the record straight, one source at a time.

The Diamondback
“The university received a report of a bug infestation in McKeldin Library on Wednesday afternoon. The news spread around social media apps like Reddit and YikYak, causing some students to panic about what was later revealed to be a body lice outbreak.”

EVALUATION: NICE TRY
“Panic” vastly understates the student body’s reaction to the news of the lice outbreak. This week, the University Health Center reported a 147% uptick in the number of hospitalizations due to “entomomaniacal outbursts and related spasms.” A nurse practitioner with the Health Center, speaking under condition of anonymity, likened the event to “fifteen 9/11s.”

NBC Washington
“Pest control teams were working Friday afternoon to inspect all buildings on the campus after reports of the bugs. So far, they have found evidence of the body lice on the fourth floor of the McKeldin Library and inside a bathroom at Kirwan Hall, the university said.”

EVALUATION: CLOSE ENOUGH
The University later admitted that the aforementioned pest control teams had misidentified the occupant of a bathroom at Kirwan Hall — it was, in fact, just a math major. Oops!

University Health Center
“Please know that these have been localized incidents that have been remedied, and that it is safe to move freely around campus and participate in all regularly scheduled activities.”

EVALUATION: PERFIDIOUS LIES
In an email sent to students on Friday, the Health Center promised that the campus had been returned to normal levels of bug infestation. More observant students, including Derek Weeks, noticed that the email was signed by one Bod. D. Lyse, MD. “They must think we’re stupid,” Weeks complained, “but at least a few UMD students know how to read an email.” Dr. Lyse couldn’t be reached for comment, but a statement from his office strongly suggests that our readers “think it over” on the nearest piece of communal furniture.

Your roommate’s friend, Derek
“I saw it on YikYak: they’re in McKeldin, ESJ, HJP, Hornbake, the Y, Stamp, and tomorrow they’ll probably be in Eppley. The administration knows it, bro — that’s why Pines hasn’t said anything. He’s probably out buying hazmat suits right now.”

EVALUATION: HEAD-SCRATCHER
No one is more outspoken about the administrative cover-up than YikYak’s finest analysts. They’re modern-day muckrackers, campus gadflies embedded in College Park’s slimy underbelly, relentlessly seeking the inconvenient truths that garner unthinkable amounts of “yakarma” on the platform. That’s why Derek is studying for a lucrative career in investigative journalism! No, wait. His only goal at UMD is to rush Sigma Nu.  

The Diamondback (again)
“The university deployed pest control units on Wednesday after receiving a report of a bug infestation at McKeldin Library. […] The university will continue inspections to ensure no additional areas are identified.”

EVALUATION: TECHNICALLY, NOT QUITE
Insider sources have confirmed that the University signed a 25-year lease agreement with the so-called pests during the COVID-19 pandemic. The ACLU obtained a temporary injunction to halt the attempted eviction; the Supreme Court is expected to overturn it in a 6-3 decision.

Image Credits: Will Pipkin