Many AI startups are not what they seem, and yesterday, it appears that the University of Maryland’s own AI was made out to be a bit fraudulent. 

Late last night, some curious students (who wish to stay anonymous) snuck into the UMD server room and began to smell a strong scent of fish, kale, and dandelions. Upon following the scent, they entered a room called “TERPAI SERVERS — do not enter!” and were shocked to find 700 terrapin turtles, typing away at computers. 

“I genuinely can’t believe it,” computer science major Samuel Coltman said. “I really trusted the UMD administration, as most students should. I can’t believe they would wrong us like this.”

The terrapin turtles were found unharmed and well-fed, fortunately. While many were disappointed at the usage of these creatures, many environmental technology majors were ecstatic at the discovery. “At least our major has a use now,” student Jason Huang said. “It’s been really hard for us Environmental Technology majors. Hopefully we’ll get some attention now.” 

Computer science majors are dumbfounded, but the reactions are mixed. “My entire startup was based on AI,” an anonymous CS major said. “I need those internship offers, dude. No one’s… no one’s gonna take me seriously now.” When asked what the AI startup did, the student proudly responded: “It uses large amounts of data and utilizes vector operations to create a natural-seeming response to a natural language query, allowing for a more natural and human interaction with technology.” When asked what it did besides being a ChatGPT wrapper, the student quickly walked into the Antonov Auditorium, briskly stating that they had a class. 

CS major Mario Amogeni was also surprised, but less disappointed. “Bro, I was on the cybersecurity track, and let me tell you, I was so nervous about all this AI hype… I thought I’d never get a job. But now… maybe, just maybe.” 

University administration was, of course, at the center of this scandal. “We found that outsourcing the work to terrapin turtles was surprisingly cheaper than running servers with an actual LLM on them,” a UMD spokesperson said. “Have you seen the cuts to UMD? We can’t afford this anymore.” When a reporter asked how much was spent on the fireworks at every football game, they were swiftly dragged away by two Testudo mascots. 

In a strange coincidence, when animal control was called to clear up the turtles from the server room, they reported hearing strange, muffled noises — noises that sounded like a human’s screaming.

Image Credits: Jordyn Cabellon