Unbeknownst to all except the unfortunate few who called College Park home for the summer, a mighty structure has been erected at the intersection of Campus Drive and Regents Drive. Once home to M-Circle, one of the University of Maryland’s most forgettable landmarks, this crossing now holds the first traffic light in UMD history.

T. R. Light is the first of several planned signals after all stop signs on campus were removed for their ineffectiveness. Future lights will be installed at the intersection of Campus Drive and that Galactus-sized parking lot behind Tawes, as well as on the corner of Sex Drive and Yourmother Street.

To answer all your burning questions, The Hare sat down with everyone’s newest campus celebrity in our latest exclusive interview.

The Hare: Wow, what a milestone, wouldn’t you say? First-ever traffic light on UMD campus?

T. R. Light: (turns red) It’s really an honor. To watch over this highly-frequented, poorly-designed, and traffically-challenged part of campus is possibly the best job a traffic light can have. I can’t wait to watch car after car and bus after bus stuck on Stamp Hill during class changes, it makes me giddy.

The Hare: It sounds like you are ready for the challenge! What makes you motivated to make an impact on campus?

Light: I’m not sure how many people know this, but I actually have a little family back home in Signal City. My beautiful husband is a signal at a railroad crossing and we just welcomed our first child last month. It’s been kind of rocky around the house recently with the job cuts to the transportation industry, but we all turned green when we found out that I got a job at a university. Anyways, I’m really just trying to make my family proud and put a smile on little Blinker’s face.

The Hare: That’s so inspiring. Have you always wanted to be a traffic light?

Light: Originally I was going to join the Army, but right before I enlisted I saw a guy jump in front of a bus to save someone from getting hit. That experience really stuck with me, and from then on, I decided to dedicate my life to slowing down traffic and ending public transportation. (Singing) Nobody knows where you might end up, nobody knowwwwss

The Hare: Now here’s a fun question, if you could take any class being offered this fall, which one would it be?

Light: I would take HNUH314X, Gotta Catch ‘Em All: The Introspective’s Review: Archeomagnetism and a Dummy’s Guide to Beekeeping. Unit 17 is on literary bioregional politics! If you’re interested, class meets in President Lincoln’s childhood home on Wednesdays from 8–12:99, but you don’t find out if it’s AM or PM until the morning of.

The Hare: Sounds very…unique! Now, I’ve heard some people are apprehensive that a traffic light is the best option for this intersection. What do you want to say to them about this new, exciting change?

Light: The cult of the roundabout, always trying to have their way. Tell them to go f*** themselves, the little ****s can take their ******* and ***** it ***** ** ************* until *** ******* makes ******** ***** and I swear on little Blinker’s headlight that *** **** *********** **** *** forever.

The Hare: I see that you have some very, erm, strong opinions on that subject. Is there anything else you’d like to share with the students of UMD as they tackle the next semester?

Light: Stay tight, roll Terps, and don’t you start f***ing crossing when I’m showing you the red hand.

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson