After 11 long years, 150 million dollars, and the last shreds of Jack Black’s dignity, A Minecraft Movie has finally been unleashed upon theaters, with UMD students who grew up placin’ blocks n’ shit in fuckin’ Minecraft flocking to theaters like freshman to the Orange Chicken line. We wanted to be a part of this once-in-a-month-ish experience by seeing this theatrical extravaganza on opening night, and, with The Diamondback also posting a review of the movie, we refused to let them be the only (likely wrong) opinion on this film. Thus we at The Hare have sent three of our intrepid reporters to form our own takes on this motion picture that will soon be remembered alongside other such classics as Gone with the Wind, 12 Angry Men, and The Fast and the Furious 10, Part 2.

Man, what a rush. You know, I had my doubts at first, but as soon as Jack Black said “It’s time to get in that Diamond Minecart” and winked at the camera, I knew we were in for something special. The addition of the sex scenes was a bold choice but one that was absolutely necessary for the plot, although I think there should have been more. The addition of Christian Bale and Leonardo DiCaprio as the Wither Storm and Chicken #3 really brought the movie to another level, and the fact the entire movie was practical effects made the visual achievements even more impressive. Finally, there’s that ending. The final battle against the Ender Dragon had the theater electrified, only rivaled by the scene of Jack Black and Jason Mamoa 69ing mid-air (this isn’t even a joke this happens in the movie). The after credits scene where Mario and Sonic recruited Steve for the “Smash Bros Initiative” leaned a bit too much into fan service, but makes me excited for the future of this hopefully long-lasting franchise nonetheless.

1.5/10

– Joseph Kleinman

Oh, you thought you were seeing this movie “ironically?” You were going to go with your little group of friends, just to point and laugh at “flint and schteel?” No. This movie is a cultural touchstone, the likes of which we may never see again, and it deserves respect. You probably walked into the theater, singing “I am placing blocks and shit.” How naïve. Listen up: the Regal in Hyattsville did not put out “Minecraft coloring sheets” in the theater lobby for kids. They put them out for you. What other game pulled you through a late summer night in 2011 and a global virus outbreak in 2021? That’s right. So the next time you’re watching A Minecraft Movie (because I assume you’ll be in the theater a second time), take a little time to reflect before screaming “chicken jockey” and being barred from all Regal Cinema properties.

10/10

– Ian Jackson

A Minecraft Movie is a monumental piece of art in emotional storytelling and world building. It lures you into a false sense of security with the happy-go-lucky setting featuring a diverse cast of pre-teens and various middle-aged adults. However, the setting quickly turns bleak as Garett is revealed to be Herobrine in disguise and betrays the main cast in their greatest time of need. The movie then shifts into a heart-wrenching tale of a set of adolescents trying to come to grips with the sting of betrayal and the impossible task of taking down a friend they had once grown to love. Steve (Jack Black) must pick up the mantle as a guardian and mentor for the group when the only thing he has known in all of his life is how to mine and craft. Or at least I’m pretty sure that’s how the movie went; I had a very nice nap during it.

4.3 / 10

– Ryan Nguyen

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman