In an unprecedented turn of events, The UMD Hare, the University of Maryland’s most trustworthy news publication, has recently been bought by the French cosmetics mega-corporation L’Oréal. According to reports, the acquisition, led by L’Oréal CEO Nicolas Hieronimus, was catalyzed by a misunderstanding of the publication’s name. 

Hieronimus was on a business trip in Washington D.C. when he came across a copy of the Spring 2024 Hare Magazine. Misinterpreting “hare” with “hair,” he believed it to be a cosmetics brochure and began reading through it. Though he was mildly confused at first, with the articles describing cars buried underground and whole buildings being stolen, he was blown away by the quality and accuracy of the writing and visuals. After voraciously reading through the magazine, he needed to see more. However, the next edition of The Hare magazine will only be released later this spring, so the next best option was for him to acquire this strange, yet compelling cosmetic company.

The realization that he had actually bought the most trustworthy news outlet in all of College Park, MD, came only after the acquisition had already gone through. When asked to give a comment on this erroneous purchase, Hieronimus gave an in-depth explanation as to how this acquisition transpired, and what his business plans were to leverage this new resource for the future of L’Oréal and the cosmetics industry: “Whoops.” 

Now that the deal has concluded, more information about the fiscal details of the purchase are being publicly released. Reportedly, L’Oréal based their buyout offer on the amount of annual funding The Hare receives from the UMD Student Government Association. Due to these circumstances, The Hare was bought out for a whopping $37 USD, in addition to 3 cans of Old Bay seasoning for the exclusive rights to The Hare’s infamous mascot, Harold™. Also included in the terms of the purchase is a stipulation that requires a member of The Hare to act as a direct liaison with L’Oréal. Unfortunately, this means The Hare’s editor-in-chief and local astrology enthusiast, Joseph Kleinman, will be dropping out of UMD and moving to Clichy, France to work at L’Oréal headquarters.

Given this pivot in funding, The Hare will be opening its own line of cosmetic products as a subsidiary under the L’Oréal brand. Introducing: Harold’s 3-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner, and Squirrel Food™! Need to wash your hair? Make it silky smooth? Feed the squirrels outside your apartment before they find you? We’ve got you covered! With just five easy installments of $6.99, you can support The Hare and have those luscious locks you were dreaming about, instead of that rat’s nest on your head right now. We contribute 10% of all our sales to local charities, including the Relief Fund for Homeless Computer Science Majors and the Association for Diamondback Dismantlement. Get your hands on a bottle of Harold’s 3-in-1 now!

Image Credits: Kenlynn Ingham