Last Monday the University Health Center, a department within the University of Maryland Division of Student Affairs, finalized its decision to hire Dr. Gregory House, the former Head of Diagnostic Medicine at the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, to take over as its new Head Administrator. House, a board-certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology, has been noted for his highly effective if highly unorthodox diagnostic approaches.

“This vexes me,” said Associate Director Dr. Eric Foreman. “I thought ever since he faked his death in that apartment fire he’d never be hired anywhere again. Then I remembered the standards this University has.” When questioned about the seemingly controversial hiring choice, Executive Committee member Dr. Lisa Cuddy, responsible for recommending House, simply responded with “Hey, he gets results, and we can afford all those lawsu- hold up I’m getting a call…it’s him.” Cuddy would spend the next thirteen minutes screaming into the phone, accusing House of being “intentionally dense.”

We at the Hare were lucky enough to observe the new Administrator in action. An anonymous student entered showing all the textbook signs for systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE), however House responded with “it’s never Lupus” before proceeding to fling sarcastic insults at both his staff and the patient. After breaking into the student’s dorm, House proclaimed that due to the recent cleaning of Hagerstown, a once-per-year occurrence, the lack of mice had led to a weakening of the patient’s immune system. “He needs mouse bites to live,” said House, before injecting the student and swallowing around seven pills of Vicodin. Within the hour the student showed no symptoms and was safely released after only 17 biopsies and three previously-false diagnoses.

The new Head Administrator was also kind enough to give a few words to the Hare after the student was discharged. “You know I always liked you guys,” said House. “All these other papers are run by idiots, but you’re the only one that admits it’s run by idiots. Even better, you’re the only one that says what we’re all thinking without enough sugar-coating to give Cookie Monster a heart attack. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have another case to resolve before my 3 PM pornography watch session, but feel free to call if you need a guest article or someone to egg the previous administrator’s home.”

House’s new position has already seen a rapid increase in campus health, alongside an equally rapid increase in complaints lodged to the UMD Office of Human Resources, UMD Office of the President, UMPD, and Maryland State Government. It indeed appears House’s tenure as Head Administrator will be a successful one, as well as a confusing one for hundreds of students befuddled about why they’re beginning to fall madly in love with a terminally-sarcastic unshaven middle-aged misanthrope.

“I too am in this article,” commented Dr. James Wilson, House’s friend and apparent lover.

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman