Are you wondering which classes to take this fall? Have you been speculating how you could have possibly been single on Valentine’s day? Or are you getting stuck planning this year’s budget for allergy medication? Well that all sounds super boring. Put the planner away and take a peek at this crystal ball of knowledge I’m about to bestow upon you. 

ARIES

Mercury is crossing into your territory, Aries! This is an excellent sign if you’re thinking about starting something spontaneous but time-consuming. Like starting an unsanctioned community garden in a public park, or trying to teach the squirrels on campus how to do circus tricks for spare change. Pursue things in that realm with whimsy and see them through to the end. 

TAURUS

Remember your spark Taurus. People are going to try and tell you that you can’t do certain things, but you shouldn’t listen. It’s always a good idea to skip class to sleep in; don’t let anyone dull your sparkle. 

GEMINI

Gemini! You guys are some of my favorites. My advice to you this spring is to slow down. “As in, take a break?” You might ask, “Practice self care?” No. Physically slow down. I’m tired of people passing me on the sidewalk.

CANCER

Remember to live in the present Cancer. Counting down the days just ain’t living. And I hope you know that if you say (if you say) Goodbye tonight (goodbye tonight) I’d ask you to be true. ‘Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you. 

LEO 

I know I said to forget about making that allergy budget but I think you might actually need it. Better not skimp either, I’ve been talking to the bees this year and they’re pretty pumped for some reason. 

VIRGO 

These next few months are going to leave you extremely wealthy but only if you rob a bank. Now, I’m not telling you to do that, but if you hypothetically were to do something like that my hypothetical fee for giving you the hypothetical idea is hypothetically 20%. 

LIBRA 

Spring is gonna be dynamic for your career, Libra, so you better get that resume up to date! But remember that it’s okay to leave some stuff out. Like that one time you leveled a forest of trees to make your thneed. Not cool. 

SCORPIO

As a Scorpio myself I am happy to report that this spring actually only looks good for us. I’m seeing nothing bad in my crystal ball. Those red, vaguely flag-shaped things are probably cardinals which represent luck and fortune. They’re waving because they are happy to see me. 

SAGITTARIUS 

April showers bring May flowers! If you remember to shower on a regular basis in April then all of your dreams will come true in May! Even if you don’t believe in horoscopes you have to believe in this one, I am begging you.  

CAPRICORN 

I think you’re pretty cool, Capricorn, and soon everyone else will too! I don’t wanna spoil anything but let’s just say that now would be the time to learn close up magic. Normally, I would never suggest such a cringe hobby but you might be the only person who can get away with it. But only this spring. If you keep practicing after June 20th you will explode into a million pieces (I don’t make the rules sorry).

AQUARIUS 

Happy late birthday Aquarius. As a gift I wanted to tell you that this spring is going to be amazing for you in every way, unless you were planning to try and buy real estate any time in the next four months. But honestly who isn’t being dream-blocked by the housing market right now? 

PISCES

You might still be riding the high of sharing a zodiac with Tyler, the Creator (of hit new album Chromokopia fame), but don’t get too cocky yet. The stars are looking for a way to take you down a notch. Don’t worry though, they aren’t actually all-powerful and they can only act through cartoonish freak balloon accidents.

Image Credits: Parker Johnson