Saturday — Based on a recent report verified by 13 independent studies and journals, it appears that every single person at the University of Maryland is having an amazing weekend; except for you.

That’s right, you, the reader, are the only one out of all 40,521 students currently enrolled at the University of Maryland College Park that is not having a good time tonight. Every last student, TA, graduate, and even professor is currently out on the town or hanging out with life long friends, while you sit in your bed and rot away like the sad, lonely human being you are.

The report concluded that there is a ±0 margin of error for this study, so you, yes you, are the only person in the entire school that is feeling this way right now. Even I am currently engaged at an amazing party, holding an incredibly beautiful woman in my left hand and a beer in my right hand while using voice-to-text to pen this article.

“It’s just sort of sad,” said everyone. “We’re all out here having the time of our lives, and THIS absolute LOSER is sitting there miserable. I mean really, they’re the only person on campus that isn’t partying like they did in all those 1980s college movies, which is exactly how every college student still spends every single weekend. Hey, I know what we should do! We should all laugh at them! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

The same study has also shown that, aside from you being the only Terp not livin’ the dream right now, you are also the only person who has ever questioned their major, has had their heart broken, has felt overwhelmed, and doesn’t have their life together.

And before you ask, yes, all of your friends only talk to you because they feel bad for you, and they are all currently hanging out having purposefully not invited you.

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman