After an internal review by The Hare’s oligarchic board of governors, it has been decreed that we must expand our slew of spirited staff. The glorious High Council has determined six areas in which our reporting has been lacking. It is in these key areas that we beg the good people of College Park to contribute (without pay) to our fine journal.

1. Dining Hall Investigative Journalist

Why is it called 251? Where does the conveyor belt at South go? What is really in that orange chicken at the Y? Who is Joe? These are just a few of the pertinent questions that we are all searching for answers to. You could be the one to answer that call! With the Dining Hall Investigative Journalist position, you could force yourself behind the scenes and into the kitchens that feed thousands of Terps every day. We are looking for someone with a craving for cuisine and an appetite for answers.

2. Frat Party Reporter

Now, obviously we at The Hare have been to just about every frat party and drat farty and splat tardy — you name it — that this hip campus has to offer. We just want to make sure that you mere mortals know what’s going on there. While we’re having the time of our lives playing drunk dominoes and beer bocce at these absolute ragers, most of our readers are probably sitting at home thinking, “What really goes on at these infamous frat parties?” Well, it’s up to you to let them know what it’s actually like living the high life!

Note: We at The Hare only go to the most elite of these gatherings, so you probably won’t find us among the common throng of frat bros and the freshman girls they let in, so don’t go looking for us.

3. Philomena Cunk

Are you landmark documentary presenter Philomena Cunk of “Cunk on Earth,” “Cunk on Life,” or the forthcoming “Cunk on the Street”? If so, I just want to say I am a big fan and I’d love it if you could come help me — I mean us — out. I already have a draft of “Cunk on Terpsville” ready for you to read.

4. Harold Wrangler

Since his birth in 2020, Harold has been our most beloved and nefarious mascot. Soon turning five rabbit-turtle years old, he is now searching for a forever home. So far we’ve just been passing him around like the class hamster, going to a different person’s house every weekend (looking at you, Humphrey). Unfortunately, he’s now grown too old and boisterous for us to do that any longer. Last week he escaped from his enclosure and tried to bite every editor for the Diamondback. We could only let him in there for 20 minutes before we eventually had to give in to their cries and save Harold from them. What savages, subjecting Harold to pitiful noises like that. We know you can treat him much better, so why not give it a shot?

5. HareGPT

All of us writers here at The Hare have our off days. Nonetheless, as the Board demands, we must keep writing. In order to solve this crisis of “writer’s block” (we are not permitted to use this term), we are offering the position of HareGPT, a human AI that writes jokes that are statistically proven to be funny! We know this may be “unethical” or whatever but what does it really matter when The Hare is your only source of entertainment not run by a tech oligarch? Well, I guess we are run by oligarchs — just stop thinking about it so much!

6. My job

I knew this day was coming. It has haunted my nightmares for weeks. I’ve heard them talking about me, my writing, even my profile picture on Discord. They don’t like what I’ve done. I haven’t appeased the High Council. I see them approaching now. The Editors. I must let the world know before I am gone: they’re going to take over the —

Editor’s Note: This is Features editor Zach Robinson writing. Unfortunately, we had to relieve Trent of his duties in the middle of writing this article. We have decided that his approach to satire did not fit our standard at The Hare and have placed him in the endless void of the McKeldin backrooms. Thoughts and prayers to his family and friends who probably eternally suffered from having to hear his awful jokes. May your ears rest in peace.

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson