Let’s face it: walking is for the birds. Or at least for people who don’t know the wonders of micromobility here on campus. UMD is a very walkable campus, but just because we can walk doesn’t mean that we want to. Walking is difficult, and in the winter months, it can be dangerous — or even worse, slightly uncomfortable! The average student’s gluteus muscles simply can’t handle walking up Stamp Hill. And what’s worse than walking? Taking the bus. The Shuttle-UM system is riddled with delays, stinky buses, and off-putting men who stare at you as you ride from Regents to Susquehanna Hall for your singular lecture on South Campus. 

So, micromobility on campus is a must, and you have a few options. Namely, the refined, noble electric scooter or the lowly, craven bicycle. There are many reasons that support the superiority of the e-scooter, but I’ll provide five for your reading pleasure.

1. They require less work than bikes

Bikes require two things: effort and skill, and frankly, most UMD students, including myself, possess neither. Why would I pedal up hills when I can simply squeeze the handlebar and zoom my way through campus with speeds up to and over the actual car speed limit on campus roads? The answer is I wouldn’t. And neither should you. 

2. It’s better than an amusement park

Here in Maryland, it rains a good bit. When you ride an e-scooter, you can harness the aftermath of everyone’s favorite precipitation for your own personal enjoyment.  Ask anyone who’s ridden an e-scooter the day after it rains, and they’ll tell you about the sick amusement that they feel midway through an uncontrolled tailspin because they hit a puddle from the wrong direction. Disney Schmisney. Six Flags who? All you need is an e-scooter and the lovely College Park weather.

3. Play a fun game

It’s called “Hit the Pedestrian,” and you can play it as much as you want! Everyone knows that e-scooter riders don’t have to follow the laws of the road, but did you know that you don’t even have to follow moral laws? When you ride an e-scooter, you have the Testudo-given right to absolutely mow down that tired student who’s just trying to get home after a full day of studying. Instead of slowing down or, heaven forbid, stopping when you see a pedestrian, you can try simply speeding up.

4. Save your back!

Let’s face it: the image of anyone over 14 riding a bike is physically embarrassing. In order to ride it, one must hunch the back in a way that, frankly, looks goofy. It can also lead to major back, neck, and wrist pain. We dignified e-scooter riders don’t have to, quite literally, stoop so low. With our backs straight and our heads held high, we ride through campus with Maryland pride.

5. You have better things to do than pedal

At least, I assume you do. I know that, personally, I have BGMT classes to get to, but first, I need to stop by the store and get replacement crayons for my final project (my other ones got too flattened out from use). After that, I need to go to sportsball practice, and then I have a hot date in one of the sex study carrels in McKeldin. Anyway, my point is that I have better things to do with my valuable time than waste it pedaling from place to place, and so do you.

I hope that you understand that no matter what other authors may tell you, electric scooters are superior to bikes in every way. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I see mine actively being stolen. Smell you later.

Read the companion piece: “Five reasons why bikes are better than electric scooters”

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman