In a press release on Friday, College Park bar Terrapin’s Turf announced that they will begin to sell Official Fake IDs™.  

This announcement comes from their new CEO, Cher Holtervalue. During the press conference, he stated, “Guys, it’s simple mathematics.” He then proceeded to write and underline “Increase Shareholder Value” on the board behind him. “By selling Official Fake IDs™,” he continued, “We can create more revenue sources and grow our client base. It’s a holistic solution.”

When asked about the legality of the situation, Holtervalue deferred to their Chief Legal Officer Chad Thundercock, who said, “Fuck yeah, it’s legal. This is America. We can drink whatever the fuck we want.” He then summoned a White Claw out of what appeared to be thin air, shotgunned it, and rode a Veo Scooter out of the conference.

Holtervalue has also made other controversial proposals. Aside from Official Fake IDs™, he has also proposed a partnership with Zyn, an oral nicotine pouch that Holtervalue appeared to have permanently stuffed in his upper lip. He also floated ideas of starting a high-school bartending internship, as well as opening a brewery staffed exclusively by 12-year-olds.

“Just think about it,” said Holtervalue, “We could provide vital work experience to the community. We could trigger economic growth on scales never seen before. Think of the Shareholder Value!” 

It is yet to be seen how the Official Fake ID™ policy will go into effect. The general consensus amongst legal analysts is that this policy is highly illegal and will get Terrapin’s Turf shut down. Naturally, financial pundits seem to be very satisfied.

“This might just be the GREATEST market move ever! This guy Cher Holtervalue really has things figured out!” commented Jim Cramer, famous dunce and host of CNBC’s Mad Money. “From the looks of it, Holtervalue might just be the next Bernie Madoff. Terrapin’s Turf might just become the next Enron! We’re in a bullish market, so you know what that means: it’s time to BUY BUY BUY!” 

Other financial analysts like Mr. Wonderful, Dave Ramsey, and Elon Musk share Cramer’s sentiment. Shortly after this endorsement, Terrapin’s Turf’s stock value increased by 69% (nice). Due to the sheer magnitude of the profit margins, Terrapin’s Turf may be “allowed” to stay in business. 

The policy is supposed to go into effect on December 13th, just in time for the holiday season. Each ID is stated to cost 420 dollars. Demand is expected to be high, so Turf is offering a pre-order program starting November 22nd, which will allow customers to purchase fakes for the low low price of 1 Morbillion dollars. More details can be found at https//www.terrapinsturfsdefinitelyillegalfakeIDprogram.com.

Image Credits: Raeid Raunak