NORTH CAMPUS — On the first Wednesday of the month at 11:55 am local time, a tornado appeared in the north section of the University of Maryland and raged through campus before moving to the west and dissipating.

The tornado was awarded a rating of 3 on the EF (Extent of Fuckup) scale, reaching a measured maximum wind speed of 172 miles per hour, and caused moderate damage to campus buildings in its path. Injuries are believed to be low, as over three-quarters of the population of campus would have been in line for lunch at Panera Bread at the unaffected Stamp Student Union.

Beginning its short life near the Computer Science Instructional Center, the tornado proceeded west on Stadium Drive, tearing chunks off the A.V. Williams Building and the Chemistry complex. The tornado produced a noise one anonymous bystander described as “a piercing wail, like if God had an air horn.” 

Emergency services became concerned the twister would cut through the Chemical and Nuclear Engineering building and be transformed into a radioactive megavortex by the nuclear reactor inside, but were relieved when it passed by the IDEA Factory and flung auras of self-superiority into the air instead.

“I just about peed myself thinking it would knock over the crane,” admitted construction worker Mordecai Mystri, who had a bird’s-eye view of the tornado from the top of the tower crane currently stationed near Paint Branch Drive. “Not to mention that we’ve spent quite a bit of time on these redundant chemistry buildings. I would be livid if anything bad happened to them now. I’m really committed to this career.”

After trimming a bit off the side of Regents Drive Garage and remodeling the Jones-Hill Fancy Shmancy Mansion for Athletic People, the tornado disappeared near Parking Lot Z. Repairs are scheduled to commence after someone finds the instruction manuals.

A concerning report from the National Weather Service warns that similarly timed thunderstorms capable of producing “these extremely loud” tornadoes could become a nearly monthly occurrence in the state of Maryland due to changes in seasonal weather patterns. 

“I implore the University to implement a preparedness plan as soon as possible,” recommended emergency management professional Emerson C.A. Lertsystem. “A means of warning the whole of campus needs to be put in place, one that’s attention-grabbing enough to make everyone outdoors stop and stare at the sky for a moment.”

The University has begun to consider options for such a preparedness plan, but with the self-superiority auras (now dubbed the “Factory Flu”) spread across campus thanks to the tornado, UMD may have plenty of hardships to deal with in the meantime.

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman