During the end of the Fall semester, most accredited universities give students a week or so off to relax and take the edge off so they don’t commit a federal crime. Students at the University of Maryland decided that they wanted in on this and have been vocal about it for the past few years. Finally, on Tuesday, November 19th, at 4:20 pm, Darryll Pines, President of the University of Maryland, sent out an email to all Terps announcing that UMD will be implementing a fall break, but only for squirrels, of course. 

“Those little guys work so hard day in and day out to collect enough nuts before winter.” Pines said in the announcement. “I mean, look at their little hands! And their little bushy tails! Those fellas deserve a week off. Maybe more.”

This message was met with an uproar from students and staff alike, obviously. YikYak blew up quickly after the break was announced, with students asking if this was a typo, a prank, or if Dr. Pines was being serious.

“I’m being serious,” Dr. Pines said in a new statement.

“The squirrels? The fucking squirrels?” commented Anne Ziety, a junior Biology major, “I haven’t slept for the past 48 hours because of an OChem test I have tomorrow! I’m so tired that I think I’m starting to hallucinate! I made a sacrifice to Testudo and he literally told me to fuck off!”

Ziety was found later trying to eat a plate in South Campus Dining Hall, claiming that they thought it was food before promptly passing out. Witnesses reported that this wasn’t the weirdest thing they’ve seen in South Campus Dining Hall, but it definitely is up there.

Psychology Professor Brain E. Ack noted some serious concerns with the new policy.

“I’ve seen students at their wit’s end since the beginning of the semester. They need a break! And who does he give it to? The squirrels.”

Animal sciences professor Dr. Zhu Topia had a different perspective.

“SQUIRRELS! Fuckin’ love those guys. Yay!” 

Upon being asked his thoughts on whether the students deserved one too, Topia responded, “Who? Oh yeah, them. Don’t care,” then proceeded to chitter and scamper away.

The squirrel’s fall break is taking place from November 27th through December 1st. In related news, the owner of the UMD Squirrels Instagram account has been revealed to be none other than Dr. Darryll Pines.

Image Credits: Kenlynn Ingham