With ticket sales at football and basketball games declining, UMD recently closed a multi-million dollar exclusive deal with LUNCHLY™ to sell their products at UMD home games. Multiple varieties of LUNCHLY™ packs, such as turkey, pizza, nachos, and mycotoxin, are now expected to be available at concessions as early as next week.

LUNCHLY™, a LUNCHABLES™ competitor launched by Olajide “KSI” Olatunji, Logan Paul, and Jimmy “MrBeast” Donaldson, is a series of snack kits that include “food,” a FEASTABLES™ bar, PRIME™, and occasional natural penicillium. Hare staff spoke with Donaldson about the lucrative deal.

“WE THINK THAT THE HUNGRY TERPS OF UMD WILL LOVE THE HEALTHY AND AFFORDABLE TASTE OF LUNCHLY™ AT THEIR GAMES,” said Donaldson, grinning eagerly with his lifeless eyes staring directly through our souls. “BUY FEASTABLES™, DEEZ NUTS,” he continued, possibly in an attempt to replicate human humor. Further attempts to interview Donaldson were unsuccessful, as he experienced a critical hardware malfunction and had to be taken to Clark Hall for emergency repairs. We attempted to contact Paul and Olatunji, but they were too busy chucking hundreds of bottles of PRIME™ at students exiting class while simultaneously threatening to sue the University over allegations of mold in LUNCHLY™ packs, even though sales have not started yet and no allegations have been raised.

The University is confident that this will “bring those young folks” back to sporting events and are confident in a profitable business venture despite the 17 worker hospitalizations from attempting to handle LUNCHLY™ packs and a possible Cordyceps brain infection outbreak out of SECU stadium. UMD has addressed these issues by stating that LUNCHLY™ is “…no more dangerous than our dining hall meals. Do with that as you will.”

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman