Striding out onto the football field and helping our battalion-sized band and cheer teams hype up the crowd gets exhausting, especially when we don’t have a team skilled enough to back it up. Sorry, but I can’t make anything actually happen until my nose gets rubbed. All of you should know that by now. Fortunately, some guy finally did so we could win a game. He was hoping for a good grade on his midterm, but he doesn’t get to pick. I do.

Now, how bad are things over at UMBC if a Baltimore craft brewery would rather design a beer for us? I haven’t called True Grit to catch up in a while. But yes, I am aware of the Testudo Lager.

The can design is about what I would expect: our good ol’ flag colors and the beer name in the obligatory Washington Nationals-esque Coptic font. Why they used that one unflattering picture of me from the 90’s, I have no clue. There’s a nonzero chance I was high on analgesics when they took it, just sayin’. Overall though, the graphic design makes the beer look promising. But is it truly premium, or at least costs-eleven-dollars-at-SECU premium?

I had one thrown at me by a shitfaced guy in the student section who confused me for Northwestern’s mascot. The first thing I saw was gold liquid soaring through the air, and I assumed the worst, although I was thankfully proven wrong when he promptly yelled, “Wait, where did my Testudo Lager go?” Gold color for a lager? We’re really doing that again? Was there no way they could have added some red and black color to complete the look? What about a bloody mary, but it’s also a beer…I realize as I’m talking that one of you has probably tried that at least once.

After the USC game, I finally got to taste the lager for myself. Someone offered the rest of hers at my Van Munching altar before nearly tripping over a curb and heading back toward Terrapin Row. It tastes like every other lager I’ve encountered. That’s it. No other notes. At only 5% alcohol by volume I don’t even understand how you get drunk off this unless you drink several of them. Wait, that checks, actually. No wonder SECU sells it in one gigantic cup for eleven dollars apiece. They understand efficient alcoholism. That’s fearlessly forward, I like it.

I’d say overall, Testudo Lager is just a beer that exists. And maybe that’s a good thing. All my fans need to waste away their worries. They’re willing to settle for average. And that’s what being at the University of Maryland is all about.

Image Credits: Parker Johnson