COLLEGE PARK, MD–After years of waiting, UMD administration has at last answered students’ pleas for changes to its course registration program. The previous system determined registration dates largely based on credit hours, leaving many students forced into 8 AMs, unable to take needed prerequisites, worried about their career path, or worse, stuck with that one chemistry professor they had freshman year. The new system, the administration has vowed, will be different.

This new service, called Course Registration Plus, would prioritize any subscribed user for the low semesterly price of $100.

“There were a couple main reasons for our invention of the program,” developer Olive Monáe said in an interview. “Fundamentally, we realized that the current system generated massive unmet demand and that by capitalizing on that unoccupied market niche, we could produce sizable profits while maintaining extremely low variable expenses thanks to our current monopoly. Also, it helps students. I guess.”

When asked about how the program might affect the ability of subscription-less students to register for needed classes, especially for students in fields like pre-medicine or engineering, Monáe said it was a “skill issue” and declined to comment further.

There are even rumors that Course Registration Plus will allow users to pay additional fees for other registration-related services, such as a working in-site schedule builder or guaranteed functional internet on the date of registration. Developers have also confirmed they’re working on a feature that lets paid subscription users retroactively remove students without a subscription from courses they’re already registered for.

Out of the kindness of their hearts, Course Registration Plus developers have even created a free alternative for non-paying students to accelerate registration within the Testudo website. This system gives any currently waitlisted user the name of the student immediately above them in the waitlist queue, that student’s current address, and, upon request, a hunting knife. Happy registration, Terps!

Image Credits: Kenlynn Ingham and Megan Lu