After receiving a grant from the USDA to develop self-herding cattle, the University of Maryland’s Department of Agricultural & Natural Resources bred the mythical Minotaur itself last spring. The minotaur, which was aptly named “Cowtudo,” has proven to be quite a Terp, weighing in at 314 lbs. Cowtudo has proven to be resourceful, having already made his own bone cudgel from the remains of grad students that were accidentally locked in his pen.

However, our new beloved bovine recently brought a great tragedy to campus. 

During an attempt to train him to play football so we could finally have an actual defense, he ended up eating UMD’s star quarterback, Taulia Tagovailoa. While he has been replaced by Billy Edwards Jr. our school still feels his loss.

Following the tragedy, President Pines addressed campus, stating, “A great Terp has been lost today, Terrapin Strong. Tagovailoa has been one of the best students during my time as University President. Terrapin Strong. With his outstanding sportsmanship and skills, he finally made us slightly relevant in football again. Terrapin Strong.” When questioned about his opinion on the grad students whose lives were also lost (accidentally, of course,) President Pines stated, “That was an accident? Terrapin Strong.”

Following the consumption of our star quarterback, it has been decided to move Cowtudo to the closest thing to a labyrinth that UMD has: the Atlantic Building. Campus officials have justified this decision by claiming: “Since no one actually knows how to navigate those halls, we are certain it should contain our Minotaur. Also, since no important sports player would ever set foot in the Atlantic Building, we won’t lose any more valuable Terps, and Cowtudo can snack on as many grad students as he likes.”

Naturally, as a journalist, I made sure to ask Cowtudo his opinions on his change in living conditions, to which he responded, ”MOOOOOO,” before promptly tearing my limbs from my body. Aww, he is so cute.

Image Credits: Owen Mank