As exams approach, UMD students are in a frenzy. And now, so is the White House. 

“I can’t believe they were able to steal it,” student Tom McKean stated. “Like, you’d think they’d have been caught before it happened.”

During exam season, students traditionally go up to one of the five Testudo statues on campus and leave something as an offering for good luck. Over the years, offerings to Testudo have increased in frequency and ridiculousness. However, this one tops the chart by a large margin.

Last night, a person who wishes to remain anonymous found the Declaration of Independence under Testudo’s nose near McKeldin Library. Not a copy of the Declaration of Independence—the actual document written and signed on July 4, 1776. 

The document was found unscathed, but students, administrators, and the government of the United States of America are stunned. Despite being housed in ballistically tested, anti-glare glass and monitored by guards and million-dollar security cameras, it seemed as if the document was stolen swiftly and quietly. 

“I mean, you gotta admire the dedication,” student George Ross said. “I remember the craziest thing someone offered was a Subway Sign. But this? Goddamn…”

Students are vying for a look at the document themselves, with Government and Politics majors hoping it will “help them pass their classes.”

The Archivist of the United States was also dumbfounded. “We’re extremely lucky that the document is still in its original state, but we are still investigating who did it, and how. The why appears to be obvious, though.”

Officers investigating the scene outside McKeldin are also confused. “There appears to be no evidence of who did it nor how it got here,” Officer Thomas Stone stated. Apparently, no DNA or fingerprints have come up on the document. “This is certainly a mystery for the ages… it’ll give us something to focus on other than electric scooters, that’s for sure.” 

UMD President Darryll Pines issued a public statement: “I understand the students’ desire to pass their exams and that they will use any means possible to ensure that happens. However, I would like to kindly remind the students of the University that offering to Testudo is just a superstition and that these offerings should not be taken so seriously. Hard work and the ability to ask for help are what will ensure that you do well, not offering the Declaration of Independence to Testudo.”

Many students, however, have praised the thief. Student Helen Mirror stated, “Whoever did it deserves to pass their exams, honestly.” The investigation is still ongoing, with the FBI heavily involved. 

“The Declaration of Independence? That’s nothing,” student Nicole Eskage commented jokingly. “The Mona Lisa, though… Now we’re talking.”

Image Credits: Kenlynn Ingham