Following the miraculous triumph of the Maryland Terrapins over the Southern California Trojans, colder temperatures are expected throughout the Underworld. Saturday’s forecast will see a high of 30°F and a low of 2° with upwards of 20 inches of snow. Conditions are expected to worsen throughout the week.

The River Styx has already begun to freeze over, with icy conditions temporarily shutting down ferries. Lava flows across Hell have begun to form into obsidian glass as blizzards move through the region.

While this isn’t the first time Hell has experienced extreme conditions, it is a very rare occurrence. According to the National Weather Service, the last time temperatures dropped below 100° was when Bartolo Colón hit his only career home run in 2016.

“Fucking turtles! This shit sucks man, I lost like $100 on that game,” said Satan, struggling to find an outlet for his space heater. “I don’t know what the fuck God was doing up there, but this isn’t funny. I’ve been stuck inside with O.J. Simpson because the snow is blocking my door and now he’s getting stabby.”

The Hare team reached out to Heaven for comment but found that God was passed out on his couch, surrounded by empty cans of Testudo Lager.

Upper management is certainly not the only group in Hell displeased with UMD’s victory. Napoleon Bonaparte was reportedly seen curling up into a ball and rocking back and forth in the snow.

In unrelated news, thousands of domestic swine were seen taking flight across the state of Maryland soon after UMD’s victory.

Image Credits: Andrew Simone