Sunday – In a decision applauded by both parties, Maryland Governor Wes Moore declared that the Maryland Terrapins Football team would be forcefully disbanded following their abysmal 10-37 loss to Northwestern on Friday.

“As Governor of the great state of Maryland, I made it my sworn duty to ensure the safety of all residents living within our jurisdiction. Thus, for the good of the people, I am ordering the immediate dissolution of the Maryland Terrapins, who have done more to harm our great state than any hostile power possibly could have.”

The speech given by Governor Moore to the state senate was broadcast state-wide and received praise from Democrats, Republicans, and Independents alike. This followed the Baltimore Ravens’s press conference claiming that they had “never heard of a ‘Terrapin’ before” and that no Ravens players were sent to a college football game that Friday.

“The actions taken by the Terrapins this Friday were an attack on Maryland itself. An attack on our pride, our health, and our sanity. This bill will bring justice to a team that has bestowed so much injustice upon our state,” continued Moore.

Gov. Moore’s “Finally Usurping Chicanerous yoKels of Young Organizations Unanimously Act” (or FUCKYOU act) orders the immediate dissolution of the Maryland Terrapins and that former coach Mike Locksley be run out of town.

The Governor’s speech and signing of the FUCKYOU act (which passed the senate 47-0) was met by thunderous applause from the entire state, and Gov. Moore’s approval ratings have reportedly skyrocketed to over 97%, with many claiming that they finally see a politician who speaks for the people. 

Image Credits: Joseph Kleinman