The fall semester is here, and with it, the career fair! We all know that each year, there’s a group of unfortunate souls who can’t make it (a very small group, usually—nobody’s too busy around this time of the year). So, we at the Hare have decided to recount everything that happened. Don’t be jealous!

They got rid of the QR codes.

Tired of talking to employers and being told to just apply online? Well, no more. This year, every single independent employer decided to give up QR codes in favor of a more in-person, real, heart-to-heart, connection-forming interview experience.

All the companies you wanted finally arrived!

Every company you could dream of showed up at the fair! Yes, even that one! That one you were thinking of that you’ve wanted to work for your whole life but you thought would never show up! They had a table! 103% of students reported seeing their dream company at the fair!

They solved all of the problems of previous career fairs.

All of them! Solved! Long waits to get into the CS fair? Gone! Misleading online spreadsheets about employers? Corrected! Big crowds of fellow students? Dispersed! Extra copies of maps of the fair? Printed! Truly, an experience for the ages.

Everyone got a job!

Literally everyone at the fair got one. Jobs they wanted, too. Most of them with a 6 to 7-figure salary. It was crazy.

Taylor Swift performed.

In an unprecedented turn of events, renowned artist Taylor Swift performed in the Stamp ballroom, singing hits like “Shake it Off” and “Blank Space”—presumably referring to the blank space in your dream company, which you would’ve filled. If you’d been there.

George Washington came back from the dead.

Halfway through Taylor’s performance, Zombie George Washington arrived. He then presented his famous Valley Forge speech before giving an astonishingly astute analysis of the current political state of affairs to the Panda Express line in the food court.

The Hero of Time did battle with the fiends of the abyss.

And though a pestilence of eyes sprouted from the dark to gaze into his core, and though the storm’s forked tongue did strike him, his strength, as all, was in his heart. “I cast you down,” spake he, ripping the ground asunder. With head held high, he threw them to the Earth, and so for an age, they were sealed in its hungry maw.

Disclaimer: if you did go to the career fair and didn’t see all this, you were probably just there at the wrong time. Or the wrong day. It all happened, and if you missed it, it’s your fault. Maybe you should’ve scheduled your time better. Loser.

Image Credits: Ella Valentine