The career fair is coming up fast. We all know the importance of experience on the resume, so landing an internship is absolutely essential. Don’t worry though, landing a job will be light work with the help of these five tips!

5. Have your resume updated and printed out!

Make sure your resume is up to date and includes all of your relevant and useful work experience. Because you are in college, chances are your resume will be full of shit. That’s okay! Fortunately, we live in a time where bullshitting quality is incredibly easy. Go down to one  (or all) of the 69 thousand resume workshops on campus and get that resume lookin’ sexy. If that doesn’t work, feel free to use your best friend, ChatGPT, or better yet, just lie!

Then, make sure to get Daddy’s credit card to use the McKeldin Library printer. We both know that it’s unaffordable otherwise.

4. Look presentable!

A good first impression is absolutely necessary to stand out and get that unpaid internship! Make sure to show up in your best attire. For men, this includes a tailored Italian tuxedo, a satin silk tie in a Windsor knot, and a Rolex watch (although Patek Phillippe or Audimars Piguet is acceptable), and of course, Retro Jordans to complete the fit. 

As a male engineering major, I cannot speak on women’s fashion.

3. Represent the company brand. 

Brands like nothing more than having their ego (and other parts) stroked. So show the company that you are committed by wearing some company pride. Buy yourself a Raytheon hat, an Amazon pen, or a pair of pretentious McKinsley sunglasses. The companies will be sure to notice your hard work and dedication and will likely feel internal (and sexual) gratification.

2. Go beyond with your background research on recruiters.

We’ve all looked up an employer on LinkedIn, but why not take it a step further? Find personal information, like their interests and hobbies. What is their family like? Where do they live? When do they wake up and go to sleep? 

The optimal way to answer these critical questions is to spy on their house.

If they haven’t filed a restraining order, you haven’t gone far enough. If they have, then that means you’re just getting to the good stuff!

1. Lose all moral integrity.

Morals are for losers. If you want results, you have to be willing to sacrifice everything, even your soul.

You must be willing to work for despicable companies. Engineering majors, be willing to take blood money from war criminals. Chem/Biochem students, understand that many of your employers will be the reason we don’t have clean water in 50 years. Pre-law folks, get ready to defend greedy pedophiles because they are rich enough to pay for you. Don’t even get me started on corporate lobbying.

If you aren’t willing to do this, other people will be, and in 5 years, their resume will look much better than yours. So what will you choose?

And that’s it, folks! With tips like these, landing an unpaid 12-week internship in Colorado with 17-hour days and no lunch break is a breeze! Good luck!

Image Credits: Kenlynn Ingham