On Sept. 9th, 2024, at 12:32 pm, after merely three weeks of elevator breakdowns, the lobby ceiling caving in, and over half of the washing machines breaking, the University of Maryland’s Hagerstown Hall finally met its maker at the ripe age of 56.

Fortunately, no fatalities were recorded, other than the entire Freshman Connections population of the dorm. All functioning members of society were either in their classes or were able to escape. 

After a thorough investigation and searching through the rubble, a University of Maryland Police Department representative stated that the building collapsed due to “the excessive physical stress from aggressive fornication amongst freshmen students, an overwhelming stench of Zaza, and no air conditioning.” Survivors of the collapse are being relocated to the Heritage community, much to the disappointment of Pyon-Chen and Johnson-Whittle residents.  

The Hare interviewed a survivor from the third floor who said: “I’m happy we no longer have to suffer within that hellscape of a building, but it sucks that we lost the free condoms from our welcome bags. I wanted to use them.”

Unfortunately, this student will not be compensated for his condoms or any items lost in the collapse. The Department of Resident Life justified their no-compensation policy by giving every survivor a card that said “We’re sorry,” with university President Darryll Pines’ face frowning. According to inside sources, each card costs $8,562 to receive, ensuring students paid their dorm fees.  

Speaking of our glorious leader, President Pines announced that a new Hagerstown Hall will be constructed following the completion of all other campus construction projects. The new hall will be “all pimped out” and “ready for some fun,” according to Pines. Proposed designs include nine floors (an upgrade from the former eight), a roof pool, and power washing stations for computer science students. The building is expected to be completed in 2082. 

Image Credits: Zachary Robinson