REGENTS DRIVE & STADIUM DRIVE – Back-to-schooltide figurehead Saint Darryl Pines, patron saint of the forward-facing movement, refused to honor a wish brought before him by a University of Maryland student, offering a small turtle pin as compensation.

As fall 2024 classes began on August 26, accredited cryptid spotters confirmed sightings of Santa Pines stalking around the UMD campus on his magical golf cart, disrupting lectures in progress, and devouring the baked goods and dairy supplies stored in the Campus Pantry. While carting around the streets and sidewalks of the University, reminding students old and new that he still existed, he came across freshman Immersive Media Design hopeful Rafina Ryder trying to ascertain whether or not she had walked to the correct Patterson building.

“Anybody encountering [Santa Pines] on the way to the first class of the first day of their first semester of college is certainly going to be taken aback at first,” generalized Hare folklore correspondent Arby Trairie (InfoSci ‘26), who witnessed the interaction while in his ghillie suit stealthily following Santa Pines. “While timidly accepting a turtle pin, this individual appeared to receive some panicked prompts from her internal monologue before finally blurting out at the last minute what she truly wanted the most.”

Ryder exclaimed her desire for a three-hole puncher that she could use to easily compile her lecture notes in binders. Santa Pines stared at the freshman student in disbelief before predicting, “You’ll punch your eye out, kid.”

A band of enigmatic and appropriately festively dressed assistants, which Trairie described as “the private security contractor guys he hired,” promptly escorted Ryder and her new pin out of the area. Santa Pines then continued northbound down Regents Drive, feigning benevolence to a few more students along the way.

Appearances of Santa Pines on campus are few and far between, with local legend claiming that he and his assistants spend most of the year in the IDEA Factory producing turtle pins and new chemistry buildings for all the good little Terps. Cryptid spotters will be refocusing their efforts toward preparing for the Great Pumpkin’s expected appearance in October.

Image Credits: Kenlynn Ingham